Jamie Dimon Talks Euro Super League
JPMorgan CEO also shares his plans to resist Biden's planned capital gains tax hike
In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Biden announces capital gains tax hike
Facebook enters social audio
Apple unveils new products
Interview - 3 Questions with Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan CEO)
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Biden aims to raise capital gains tax paid by the rich to 43.4%
The Biden administration revealed plans to raise the top rate of capital gains tax from 23.8% to 43.4% for taxpayers who make more than $1 million. Wealthy investors are upset with these proposals as it reduces their budget to buy trophy trees and home security.
“This proposal makes me sick” lamented one hedge fund owner who asked to remain anonymous. “With this tax, Biden is making it easier for the poor to buy pitchforks but he’s making it harder for us to defend our third home in the Hamptons from these clowns with pitchforks. It’s so unfair.”
Others complained that their marriage might be at risk with this tax hike: “I promised my wife a new yacht for her 22nd birthday. This tax hike means I’ll have to buy a second-hand yacht which puts a strain on my marriage. It’s frustrating as I really don’t want to risk a fourth divorce. Who’s going to want to marry a 65 year old with a second-hand yacht?”
The Biden administration plans to use revenue raised from this tax to subsidize childcare, but this does not appear to convince Wall Street. “I don’t see why we need to subsidize childcare - it’s only $45,000 per child per year in Battery Park City. If I can afford that, why can’t everyone else? I had nothing handed to me, I worked hard for everything I got. I didn’t go to Harvard - I went to Dartmouth, I’ve had to overcome every disadvantage you can imagine.” added a Goldman Sachs managing director.
Facebook enters social audio
Facebook - the world’s largest social network, or the world’s biggest waste of time, depending on who you talk to - announced its intention to add social audio.
Live Audio Rooms is its answer to Clubhouse as it will allow users to listen and partake in live conversations. In addition, Facebook’s new Soundbites feature will allow users to create and share short audio clips.
Critics allege that Facebook has no original ideas left, and that its only strategy is to grow through acquisition (Instagram, WhatsApp) or imitation (Snapchat, TikTok, Clubhouse). Facebook rejected these accusations despite a recent job posting for Chief Imitation Officer (CIO) whose responsibilities include:
Hiring ex-CIA operatives to monitor Silicon Valley startups
Hiring Chinese lawyers who specialize in IP theft
Hiring poker players to teach Zuck how to poker face
Rumors persist that Zuckerberg announced the entry into social audio to distract from the news that the CDC estimates that Facebook is more harmful to Americans than coronavirus:
Disclosure: the above video is a rap battle I co-wrote for GZERO Media (IP owner)
Apple unveils new products
Apple announced a number of new products at an event on its Cupertino, California campus. The company unveiled an updated iPad Pro with 5G, a range of colorful new iMac desktop computers, a refreshed Apple TV 4K with a new remote and an AirTag lost-device tracking gadget.
The AirTag is a small Bluetooth-enabled disc that helps users track lost devices by showing the location of the lost device on the user’s iPhone. The AirTag has attracted a lot of interest from Texans who are keen to attach it to Ted Cruz in order to track his next escape to Cancun.
Critics praised the innovation of the AirTag and the design of the new iMac but argued that making iMacs available in a range of different colors was a gimmick. Apple defended its decision to have multi-colored iMacs by saying its a key part of its commitment to diversity, equity and inclusion.
Interview: 3 Questions with JPMorgan CEO, Jamie Dimon
Q: JPMorgan was the only American bank to finance the failed European Super League. Do you have any regrets?
JD: Not at all. I remain convinced that this European Super League needs to happen and am proud of our efforts to help export the American way to Europe. After all, there’s nothing more American than society’s richest artificially rigging things to ensure that they always come out on top. In America this is known as ‘the tax code’.
Q: So you saw the European Super League as a patriotic endeavor?
JD: Of course! I tell my buddies who lead Raytheon and Lockheed Martin that exporting Americana through war is so 1914-2020. It’s all about soft power now. And JPMorgan is uniquely positioned to bankroll the projection of soft power.
We have such great plans for this Euro Soccer League. We’re going to Americanize it to increase shareholder value, and I don’t just mean more ads. Injured players must co-pay before they can be stretchered off the field (hello Cigna); larger clubs invade the stadia of smaller clubs in order to liberate them from bad management (you’re welcome Raytheon) and season ticket holders will undergo active shooter drills in order to buy tickets (a reward for Senator Ted Cruz).
And the best part is that season ticket prices will skyrocket, so fans will have to borrow money in order to buy season tickets. This will lead to the creation of the season ticket loan industry which JPMorgan will lead. We missed the boat with student loans here in America, so want to be the market leader for season ticket loans in Europe. 11 won’t just be a number on the back of a soccer jersey - it will also be the interest rate we charge.
Q: If this European Super League doesn’t go ahead, what will you do with the $4.2 billion that you had earmarked for this project?
JD: There are plenty of alternative uses for this capital. In particular, I’d like to buy a PR agency so that we can more effectively demonize President Biden for raising capital gains tax. And if that doesn’t work we will fund Josh Hawley 2024. I know that Hawley supported the Capitol siege but I’ve concluded that while sedition is bad, capital gains tax hikes are worse.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) tries to boost his progressive credentials by wishing “Happy Ramadan” to all of America’s buddhists
Washington resident Tucker Carlson justifies his opposition to DC statehood by saying that he’s taken his hood off. Meanwhile Tucker’s viewers try to fight crime by shooting the TV every time they see a picture of Colin Kaepernick
Your alma mater tries to convince you that an elite private business school with a multi-billion dollar endowment is a more worthy destination of your donation dollars than the Koch Foundation
Thanks for reading. If you liked this newsletter please share it with others and add your comments below.
See you next Friday - because Fridays are for Funny Business.