Funny Business is back! (after a 2 week hiatus due to author travels).
In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Jeff Bezos goes to space
Apple hires a BMW executive
Biden meets with Boris
Interview - 3 Questions with Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV)
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Jeff Bezos goes to space
The soon to be former Amazon CEO will be rocketing into space on July 20. Bezos will be on the first crewed flight of a rocket ship made by his space company, Blue Origin.
It’s fitting that Bezos is going into space after firing himself as Amazon CEO since Blue Origin doesn’t do next day delivery.
Looking down on Earth may change Bezos because he’ll see all the Americans he’s screwed by not paying taxes in one view.
Apple hires a BMW executive
Apple hired a former BMW executive who focused on electric cars. The move is interpreted as a signal of Apple’s intent to compete against automakers like Tesla.
Car critics are concerned that BMW owners’ obnoxious reputation combined with iPhone owners self-centrism will result in a car that fuels egomania.
With this hire, a future Apple-powered car is now expected to include:
iMask - covers the car’s license plate with a picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin flipping the bird when drivers don’t want to yield at pedestrian crossings
iPaint - automatically paints a new parking spot around wherever the car is parked and paints over any handicap signs
However, given that BMW owners tend to lean right Apple will remove directions to the US Capitol from the car’s navigation system.
Biden meets with Boris
President Joe Biden is in the UK at the G7 Summit in Cornwall where he met British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. On the agenda for the two leaders:
Re-opening transatlantic travel: most Americans have not traveled since March 2020 (notable exception: Lebron James)
Post-Brexit trade deal: the UK wants to import for-profit healthcare, voter suppression and Prince Harry; the U.S. wants David Beckham back in exchange
Matchmaking recently divorced Bill Gates with the recently widowed Queen
Interview: 3 Questions with Joe Manchin
Q: Why are you so opposed to the For The People Act - which expands voting rights, curbs the influence of money in politics and limits partisan gerrymandering - even though the majority of your party supports it?
JM: That’s where you’re wrong: the majority of my party opposes the For The People Act. Remember, before I was a Democrat I was a straight white male. That’s my real party. Besides, I cannot support such partisan legislation. What could be more partisan than a For The People Act without a For The Corporations Act?
Q: But surely being partisan is OK now that the GOP is now the party of white supremacy and a failed insurrection?
JM: That’s where you’re wrong buddy. Republicans’ grievances are legitimate. You have no idea how hard it is to be a straight white male in America right now. Heck - there’s so much diversity, equity and inclusion right now that I might have to change my last name to Womanchin to get re-elected.
Q: That seems like an implicit admission that you’ll vote against needed legislation just to get re-elected - which I think makes you a DINO (Democrat in Name Only) doesn’t it?
JM: I resent that: I am not a DINO because I vote in line with the GOP. I’m a dino because my views are so out of date. Besides, I was elected to represent all West Virginians, including those that stormed the Capitol on January 5. And let me tell you, when you’re descended from people who stole land from the native population - as many West Virginians are - you’re predisposed to see (election) theft.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Jeff Zucker praises Jeffrey Toobin for “being innovative on Zoom calls” and gives him a prime time show on CNN
Pfizer is criticized for donating to GOP Senators who oppose marriage equality and defends itself by saying that the ‘P’ in Pfizer stands for ‘Pride’
Netflix announces that it will reboot Lupin (some 5 months after it premiered)