Welcome back to Funny Business - finally returning after a summer hiatus. Fall is here, which means we are back to school and Congressional inaction on climate change.
In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Apple changes App Store rules
Amazon in hiring push
Walmart raises its minimum wage
Interview - 3 Questions with Texas Governor Greg Abbott
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Apple changes App Store rules
Apple announced concessions on App Store commissions for large developers such as Netflix and Spotify. Customers will now be able to side-step Apple’s in-app purchase commissions (typically 15-30%) by making direct purchases from developers.
Consequently, subscription streaming businesses will get higher margins on iPhone users and greater control of billing and support.
These higher margins are expected to fuel another round of content investment. In particular, Spotify has greenlit a new podcast from Joe Rogan where he discusses how drinking horse urine cured his baldness and lowered his tax bracket. Spotify has also commissioned a new podcast from Prince Harry on how being ginger and British qualifies him to talk about the struggle the minorities face in America.
Meanwhile, Netflix is trying to compete with Love Island by ordering MAGA-oriented dating show set on a farm in which contestants can have no more than 10 teeth and no less than 3 pickup trucks. The winner will be the person who loses a tooth when kissing a fellow contestant, while driving a pickup trucking by shooting at the gas pedal.
Amazon in hiring push
Andy Jassy - Amazon’s new CEO - announced that the tech giant is planning to hire 55,000 people for corporate and technology roles globally in the coming months.
It’s not clear if technology hiring drive is because Amazon wants to create robots to hold bottles while employees urinate on the job.
Amazon is also seeking to launch satellites in orbit in order to improve broadband access. These satellites will also allow Amazon to better locate the venues for tax evader parties.
Walmart raises its minimum wage
Walmart announced that it is raising the hourly wages by at least $1, effective September 25.
Of course this isn’t the only good PR the retail giant has received this week. The Sackler family winning immunity from any future opioid lawsuits, confirmed the status of Walton family - which owns Walmart - as America’s 5th most wicked billionaire family. The full list can be found below:
Most Wicked Billionaire Families
The Sacklers (Purdue Pharma)
The Murdochs (News Corp, Fox Corp)
The Kochs (Koch Industries)
The Roys (Waystar Royco)
The Waltons (Walmart)
Interview: 3 Questions with Texas Governor Greg Abbott
Q: How can you defend this new law in Texas which bans abortions after 6 weeks with no exceptions for rape or incest?
GA: The first thing you need to know is that here in the South, incest doesn’t have the same negative connotations that it does with you coastal elites. And more broadly, how can we maintain our proud Texas tradition of school shootings if we aren’t producing more kids?
Q: This law also offers a $10,000 bounty to anyone who provides or aids abortions, and invites random strangers - maybe even rapists - to sue those seeking an abortion. How can this be justified?
GA: Right - we will be a state of bounty hunters. Which - if you’re reading this Disney - makes Texas the ideal place to film the next season of “The Mandalorian”. Come to Texas, Disney! We promise you tax breaks, sunshine, and the finest rapists in the galaxy!
Q: With this new abortion law, it appears that Texas has regressed into minority rule. How can you defend such an undemocratic approach to governance?
GA: Maybe you’re a slow learner so let me spell it out for you. Between slavery, lack of universal suffrage, Jim Crow, voter ID laws and gerrymandering - you’re kidding yourself if you think America has ever been a true democracy.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Anti-vaxxers apply pig pus to their tonsils in a bid to beat COVID
Not be outdone by Texas, Alabama drafts a bill that would make cannibalism legal
NBC News hires a hologram of Rush Limbaugh, because both sides