2021 In Review, with President Joe Biden
Q: President Biden, how was 2021 for you?
JB: America is back! We had a great year - the majority of Americans are vaccinated, we finally passed an infrastructure bill - which is a big f*cking deal - and Harry Styles got with Olivia Wilde, which is great for transatlantic relations.
Q: Aren’t you concerned that we risk losing U.S. democracy given that we still haven’t passed the Freedom to Vote Act?
JB: I’ll tell ya straight, I’m very concerned. But my donors aren’t so I guess I’m not that concerned after all. I don’t think we should be too alarmed by the prospect of autocracy or plutocracy. After all, both of those words rhyme with democracy, so they must be pretty similar!
Q: What are your major goals for 2022?
JB: It comes down to 4 simple words: Build Back Better. 2022 is going to be the year of BBB! Of course, given the state of public finances, BBB is also set to be America’s credit rating.
Twelve Predictions for 2022
January
Trump’s 1/6 anniversary press conference calling for Civil War is carried live by all broadcast and cable news networks
CNN’s Dana Bash praises Trump for adopting ‘a new tone’ after he offers branding opportunities for the Civil War to The CW network
February
In a bid to outdo The CW and juice declining ratings, NBC offers Trump an ‘Apprentice’ revival and sponsorship of Super Bowl LVI and the Winter Olympics
A reporter confuses “Fuck you Xi Jinping” for “Let’s go Xinjiang” during NBC’s coverage of the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing
March
SNL announces Dean Cain as host, with musical guest Kanye West
TMZ reports Pete Davidson, Dean Cain and Kanye West as a throuple after they’re spotted sitting together at Paris Fashion Week
April
Mark Zuckerberg is summoned to testify before Congress after a Meta pitch to dictators declares its new motto as “Genocides and civil wars start on Facebook”
The testimony is short-lived after Congress shows up in person, but Zuck joins via the metaverse
May
Britain’s entry in the Eurovision Song Contest achieves a record score of 780, but Britain still ends up in last place after the score is multiplied by 0 due to Brexit
Boris Johnson tries to distract from this national embarrassment by appointing a bulldog NFT as Immigration Minister
June
Jeff Zucker announces that the QAnon Shaman will replace Chris Cuomo on CNN at 9pm ET, because both sides
Not to be outdone, NBC News announces that Q himself will replace Rachel Maddow at 9pm ET on MSNBC
July
Warner Bros Discovery deal closes; the newly formed company announces its acquisition of ViacomCBS and the formation of a new streaming service: HBOMaxDiscovery+ShowtimeParamount+
In a bid to build cachet, NBCU rebrands Peacock as ‘Hulu’ but is sued by Disney; so rebrands Peacock as ‘Universal+’ and announces a new original series hosted by Jimmy Fallon: “Customer Service” - which highlights the one satisfactory customer service call Comcast completes each year
August
India celebrates its 75th anniversary of Independence by suing China for committing genocide against its own Muslim population before India could
China defuses tension with India by proposing a joint venture in concentration camp construction
September
Trump interrupts Biden’s speech at the UN General Assembly and announces his candidacy for president in 2024
CNN’s Dana Bash praises Trump for embodying Biden’s “America is back” mantra by interrupting him on the world stage
October
Fox News declares Republicans have taken back the House and Senate over a month before midterm elections
Now convinced they already control Congress, Republicans withhold funding from NPR and PBS until both networks confirm GOP victory before election day
November
The QAnon Shaman storms a live broadcast of Anderson Cooper 360 after CNN refuses to accept that the GOP won the midterms before election day
MAGA-mobs storm 30 Rock because NBC News did not confirm GOP victory in the midterms quickly enough
December
A new COVID variant emerges in Texas. Republicans withhold WHO funding until the variant is named the Xi variant; so that they can justify their ‘China-virus’ label
Qatar wins the Qatar 2022 FIFA World Cup after paying off opposing teams using the funds withheld from migrant workers who built World Cup stadia
Happy New Year
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