In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Apple’s product announcement
U.S., UK and Australia announce defense pact
Piers Morgan goes global
Interview - 3 Questions with Emanuel Macron
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Apple’s product announcement
Apple announced a slate of new products this week, including the iPhone 13 and a new Apple Care policy which passes on Apple’s tax evasion tactics to iPhone owners.
iPhone 13 comes with a larger battery: a full charge will now get you 15 minutes of iPhone use (a 50% increase).
The new iPhone is 5G capable, which means you can download season 2 of Ted Lasso faster than Siri can answer why season 2 is so weak (answer: soccer was the anchor in season 1, but a side plot in season 2).
U.S., UK and Australia announce defense pact
America, Britain and Australia have announced a historic security pact - dubbed Aukus - in a bid to curb the influence of China.
The pact will see Australia build nuclear-powered submarines with technology provided by the U.S. and will also cover artificial intelligence.
France was upset at being the only country to host a tennis Grand Slam that wasn’t included in this alliance. But the French were told they’re not white enough and to improve their IELTS scores and try again next year.
Piers Morgan goes global
Opinionated broadcaster and answer to the trivia question “who is the biggest loser but never appeared on the NBC show?” Piers Morgan has announced he will host a new show in 2022.
London’s most unfoxy man will appear on Fox Nation (U.S.), talkTV (UK) and Sky News (Australia). I imagine the show will be titled The White Male Victim Hour with Piers Morgan and will stir debate by asking tough questions like:
“Are traffic lights racist for not including the color white?”
“Are Indians really better off without East India Company rule?”
and
“Are gender fluid people low key into bestiality?”
Interview: 3 Questions with Emanuel Macron
Q: You’ve been left out of the new Australia, UK and U.S. security pact (Aukus), how does that make you feel?
EM: Quelle horreur! We French feel excluded and deliberately targeted. In France we have a simple motto: “never exclude anyone from anything, unless they are a hijab-wearing Muslim”
Q: Do you think that this Aukus alliance will impact Indo-Pacific relationships?
EM: Oui - this alliance makes it harder for France to know when America will inevitably re-invade Vietnam.
Q: So how will France react to this announcement?
EM: We will get Celine Dion to re-write Yellow Submarine as Français Submarine to increase the appeal of our nuclear submarines. We will also redesign our submarines in the shape of a baguette to make them more French and therefore more amorous.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Emmy voters admit to nominating Ted Lasso as a vicarious way to experience free healthcare
Following her appearance at the Met Gala, Kim Kardashian launches a trash bag product line
Tent City officially surpasses LA to become California’s largest metropolis
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