Biden defends Israel nuking Detroit daycare
President Biden expressed anger at the IDF’s airstrike on a Detroit daycare but insisted that he would not suspend arm sales to Israel.
"I am outraged at the loss of innocent life here at home. But after October 7, Israel has a right and duty to defend itself. And sadly, the kids in the day care mistakenly arranged the letters S, M, A and H to spell ‘Hamas’ instead of ‘mash’. Israel had no choice but to take them out. Those kids posed a very clear and present danger”
White House spokesman John Kirby said “I don’t think you can blame Israel for a tragic mistake. The kids in the daycare were eating carrots with hummus. It’s unfair to expect IDF drones to distinguish between Hamas and hummus".
Kirby went on to say “By virtue of living in Detroit, 50% of the kids in the class would have been killed by gun violence by their 15th birthday anyway. Since dying was inevitable, it’s better that they die for a noble cause such as defeating Hamas than to die in vain in a school shooting”
Mike Donilon, the chief strategist for the Biden 2024 campaign said that the IDF strike on a Detroit daycare was not expected to shift how the President will campaign in Michigan. “Kids can’t vote - whether dead or alive - so we see no reason to change our approach to winning Michigan this fall”.
In an interview on the South Lawn, Vice President Kamala Harris insisted that this daycare bombing marked a turning point in the war and that the U.S. would establish and enforce red lines for its chief ally. “Israel cannot continue to use U.S. weapons to hit targets on U.S. soil without informing us first. Going forwards, we will not sell Israel any more weapons unless they tell us which U.S. hospitals and schools they want to target first so that we can ensure that our voters are not in the vicinity when strikes occur.”
After the interview President Biden asked Vice President Harris who she is.
Meanwhile Secretary of State Anthony Blinken almost chimed in on the topic. “This was a tragic accident that happened in Detroit. To help the grieving families move on, we’ve decided to allow Israel to bulldoze the daycare center. This has two benefits; it helps remove a visual reminder of this tragedy and it helps Israel practice bulldozing Palestinian homes. Everybody wins”
Interview: Lloyd Austin
FB: Over 30,000 Palestinian civilians have been killed by Israel in this war and there’s a famine in Gaza. Why do we keep sending Israel weapons?
LA: Israel is our ally and we carefully vet any request for arms before sending. According to our calculations, Israel is deserving of more weaponry.
FB: Your calculations?
LA: Yes. This is the Pentagon. We calculate everything carefully. Except our budget of course…
FB: Can you elaborate?
LA: Sure. As you know the Pentagon prides itself on how advanced and sophisticated our weaponry is. But what folks may not know is we have advanced and sophisticated calculators that inform our decisions on arming allies.
FB: Go on…
LA: We’ve developed an AI-powered calculator. We enter certain inputs and it spits out a recommendation. More specifically we enter the number of victims, and their nationality along with the nationality of the perpetrators and it tells us an acceptable number of civilian deaths.
So for example, on October 7, Hamas terrorists killed around 1,300 Israel civilians. According to our calculator the right number of Palestinian deaths is around 130,000. So we keep supplying weapons until the civilian death toll reaches this number. At that point we tell our Israeli buddies that enoughs enough and it’s time for a ceasefire. Or they could release a few Palestinian hostages, which would raise the acceptable death toll.
FB: By how much?
LA: For every one hostage released, the acceptable death toll rises by ten. Don’t look at me with that look of horror across your face. This isn’t up to me - we’re just going by what AI tells us. Don’t get mad at me for modernizing the military and removing human emotion from decision making.
The Treasury thinks they’re so smart with free floating exchange rates for the U.S. dollar versus other currencies. Here at the Pentagon, we’ve outdone the Treasury with AI-powered exchange rates for human life. It’s genius!
FB: Wow - that’s shocking. How did this come about?
LA: Well, it was so horrible to see innocent dogs being killed in Gaza. As you know dog years are different to human years. So, we initially created a calculator to determine the number of dog years lost by IDF operations in Gaza. And that then inspired us to create a human life conversion calculator.
I think over time we could commercialize this innovation and sell it to the life insurance industry. So Liberty Mutual, if you’re reading this, give me a call. This calculator can be yours in exchange for a sweet board seat.
FB: A human life conversion rate based on nationality seems wrong. Surely all human life is valuable?
LA: Of course, all life is valuable. But this calculator tells us exactly how valuable each life is relative to another. That’s why you’ve seen so much outrage over the killing of 7 World Central Kitchen employees in the last week. It’s because our calculator tells us that Polish, British, Australian, Canadian and American lives are more valuable than Palestinian lives.
I’m super proud of this innovation. I’ll be remembered at the Secretary of Defense that took the Pentagon into AI era and made everything more clinical.
FB: So, you’re saying that a Western passport is a way of communicating human value?
LA: Don’t get mad at me for calling a spade a spade. Of course, some nationalities are more important than others. Why do you think we have organizations publishing passport power rankings? Some people are more valuable than others.
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