America ready for annual capitalism festival
Sunday is America’s annual capitalism festival - commonly known as the Super Bowl. No matter which side of America’s vast wealth divide you fall on, you can enjoy the Super Bowl capitalism festival.
The event will be heavily attended by oligarchs who uphold their commitment to the planet by flying in to Vegas on their most fuel-efficient private jets. Oligarchs achieve maximum fuel efficiency by only hiring cabin crew with a BMI below 20.
Oligarch Taylor Swift is going one step further: she’s combating climate change by sourcing her private jet’s mineral water directly from Fiji and serving it in gold cups rather than plastic cups.
Meanwhile Jeff Bezos’ commitment to the environment is so firm that he is commercializing air. Viewers who sit through 3 hours of ads during on Prime Video’s Thursday Night Football will receive a vial of fresh air each week.
For most Americans, the Super Bowl capitalism festival entails watching 5 hours of adverts on TV, periodically interrupted by helmeted men running, throwing and kicking for about 15 minutes.
These 5 hours of ads allow Americans to connect with their favorite brands and to be better informed about spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.
At this year’s Super Bowl capitalism festival, Uber Eats is spending $7 million on a 30 second commercial. The ad aims to appeal to overworked Americans who lack the energy to cook after a long day of following mediocre managers’ orders to build shareholder value for corporate overlords.
Luckily for Uber’s CEO, shareholder value is the justification for laying off hundreds of employees to cut costs - which is necessary because the company blew $7 million on a 30 second slot plus millions more to produce the ad which features Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer.
After sitting through hundreds of ads, viewers will be rewarded by the most exciting sight in all of sports: an octogenarian oligarch presented with a trophy he did nothing to earn but received anyway because his father bought a football team in the 1960s for $150,000.
Because this is America and capital owners must be recognized and rewarded. Acknowledging labor by presenting a trophy to players is for lazy Europeans who lack America’s economic might because their adherence to capitalism isn’t as pure.
American investors taking over English football
Lina Khan may have put the brakes on M&A activity in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped American investors from acquiring British soccer teams. Over a third of the 92 professional teams in England’s top four leagues now have some form of U.S. ownership - including Birmingham City Football Club, which is partly owned by Tom Brady.
American ownership also means American customs are taking over England’s soccer teams:
Injured players will be asked for a co-pay before being stretchered off
Mid-game time outs in which players pitch prescription drugs to fans in the stands
Larger clubs invade smaller clubs when oil is discovered under smaller clubs stadiums so that smaller clubs can experience freedom
Goalkeepers replaced by tanks
Players and coaches run around stadium after game asking fans for tips
Penalty shoot-outs now involve guns - to score, players expected to fire a rifle at ball instead of kicking it
Interview: King Charles III
Funny Business: Your Majesty, best wishes as you battle cancer. Can you give us any more details about the type of cancer you’re battling?
Charles Rex: Yes, I certainly can. It’s a benign cancer so I called it Harry. Had it been a a malignant cancer I’d have named it Diana.
FB: But Harry is your son. Surely you don’t really feel that way about him?
CR: I’m the King and the Head of the Church of England. And I just commissioned a new bible. Forget the King James version. 2024 is all about the King Charles version, where all references to Judas are replaced with Harry.
FB: That seems like a rather petty move. Surely as King you can rise above such pettiness?
CR: I’ll rise above it when Meghan teaches her kids that I am King Charles III and not ‘Chuckie 3’ as she has been known to call me.
FB: The statement from Buckingham Palace indicated that you would dial back your public-facing duties while you undergoing cancer treatment. Which public-facing duties will you miss the most?
CR: That would be ribbon cutting. You know it takes years and years of practice to achieve the manual dexterity to cut a ribbon with the perfect amount of grace, swiftness and accuracy.
I very much enjoy this part of my job and the adulation that ribbon cutting brings me. Sadly, without any public-facing events, the only ribbon I can try to cut is the metaphorical ribbon that Meghan uses to control Harry.
FB: Surely you must recognize that Meghan isn’t entirely evil and must have some redeeming qualities.
CR: I once thought that too. But one day when I was watching the The Crown on Netflix (my guilty pleasure I must admit), Suits came up as a suggested show.
So I clicked on Suits expecting to see a documentary about my favorite tailors on Savile Row. Instead I was assaulted with some wretched American legal drama.
You must understand that on this side of the Atlantic, we lost all interest in American legal dramas ever since the Founding Fathers published that Declaration of Independence.
FB: So you’re opposed to U.S. independence and wish that the U.S. was still a British colony?
CR: Of course not! Why would I be interested in the United States? There’s plenty of inequality and inherited wealth and power to sustain me here in Britain. No need for me to amplify my interests in these topics by wishing the U.S. was still part of the Empire.
Besides, I’ve heard that Americans that have cancer but lack health insurance resort to shooting the cancerous part of their body. That sounds rather unpleasant to me. I prefer cancer treatment that is free from firearms.
FB: Do you think Prince William is ready to be King?
CR: Yes of course. He’s very well trained in being a straight white male, shaking hands, cutting ribbons and playing with dogs. He still needs some more training on dodging taxes - an area I excel in.
And he needs to pick a regnal name - I think King William V would work nicely. The only downside is that Meghan will call him Willy 5.
FB: Meghan would assert that the monarchy is racist. What would you say to that?
CR: We are very much not a racist family. We invited Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela to Buckingham Palace. How can I be racist when I have a black friend?
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Linda Yaccarino gets a swastika tattoo to match Elon Musk
Taylor Swift fans storm the U.S. Capitol to oppose Democrats’ plans for an oligarch wealth tax
Meghan Markle claims that the person hurt the most by King Charles’ cancer diagnosis is her