MSNBC replaces Mehdi Hasan with Henry Kissinger
MSNBC shocked viewers this week when it announced that its best anchor, the brilliant Mehdi Hasan, would be replaced by Henry Kissinger.
The programming shift was announced yesterday by network president, Rashida Jones, who said “We thank Mehdi for his diligent reporting on war crimes being perpetrated in the Middle East. But we owe it to our audience to present both sides of the issue. To fully examine this topic, we must explore it with the greatest war criminal of all time, Henry Kissinger”.
“Although Dr Kissinger has just died, we’ve negotiated with Satan and his representatives here on earth - Elon Musk and Rupert Murdoch - to revive Kissinger’s brain and likeness with AI. Given the war crimes and ethnic cleansing currently transpiring in the Middle East, Americans need to hear from an expert in this field, and who better than Dr Kissinger.”
NBC News chief Cesar Conde added “It gives me great pleasure to announce MSNBC’s newest show Carpet Bombing with Henry Kissinger. Powered by his century-long insight, Kissinger will explain carpet bombing through interior design analogies.”
In a statement Kissinger said “I have a unique perspective which I will share with MSNBC audiences. I’ve had a long career with only one regret: I wasn’t the one giving the order to nuke Japan. Deploying nukes is the only thing missing from my resume. America has so many nukes and we only ever used 2. This is a tragedy. There are so many other Asian countries to nuke. Why stop at just one?”
Cesar Conde is confident that advertisers will flock to this new MSNBC show. Given Kissinger’s advocacy for genocide, MSNBC expects defense contractors, gun manufacturers and carpet companies to be lead advertisers.
MSNBC is currently hiring producers for the new Kissinger anchored show. Applicants will be required to undergo drug testing. More specifically, they’ll need to show they’ve consumed the blood of Cambodian babies, as Kissinger has, in order to get hired.
Carpet Bombing with Henry Kissinger premieres this Sunday at 8pm ET on MSNBC. Guests this week include Benjamin Netanyahu, Tony Blair and Dick Cheney. Kissinger is expected to award one of them the Nobel Peace Prize.
Tesla announces new features for all models
Given the stiff competition in the EV space, from the likes of Rivian and Nio, Tesla has announced a slate of new features for all of its vehicles.
Starting in January, honking the horn won’t result in a beeping sound. Instead, honking once will release an audio clip of Elon Musk saying “go f*** yourself” and honking twice will release an audio clip of Elon Musk saying “go. f***. yourself. is that clear?”.
In addition, passing anyone with a Lets Go Brandon bumper sticker will automatically trigger the Tesla to say “you have said the actual truth”.
Other features include changing the skin of the car to resemble a Confederate flag and a targeting pedestrian mode whenever Teslas are driving past synagogues and mosques.
Interview: Linda Yaccarino
FB: Advertisers are fleeing X after Elon Musk’s expletive-laden tirade at the DealBook conference. Can this situation be salvaged?
LY: Elon’s words - like everything we do here at X - were authentic and inclusive. We got to hear the real Elon, the one that told me the C in my job title stands for c***. I find such transparency refreshing and very on brand for X, where we are free speech absolutists.
Secondly, only 0.5% of Americans actually want to f*** themselves. So by saying “go f*** yourself”, Elon was showing how inclusive X is a platform for minority voices. He should be applauded for taking such a bold and constructive stance during a time of rising intolerance.
And if advertisers choose to misinterpret what Elon is saying and pull spending from X, then Elon wins because he can take any losses as a tax write off and then sue advertisers for punishing him for his own free expression.
FB: Aren’t you concerned that telling advertisers to f*** themselves will drastically shrink X’s revenues and cause the business to implode?
LY: Not at all. At X we don’t want advertisers. We want partners - i.e. businesses who are really bought into what we are doing here.
So if Bob Iger at Disney isn’t on board with how Elon does things, sucks to be Bob. According to Elon, its been a while since anyone f***ked Bob anyway, that’s why he had such a strong reaction.
We don’t need Disney dollars anyway. Ever since Elon made his comments, we’ve seen a spike in ad spend from adult entertainment companies, Tucker Carlson, the National Socialist German Workers Party and a mysterious advertiser called Q.
FB: Has Elon’s behavior and advertisers pulling out impacted morale at X?
LY: Firstly, there is no advertiser pull out. Frankly, the only person pulling out should have been your father.
Secondly, our employees are jazzed about working at a unique, maverick company like X. We are truly innovative in an unrivaled way.
For example, no other company has removed toilet paper from office bathrooms. Doing so unleashed a wave of cleaning innovation from X employees. Some are printing HR’s code of conduct and using that to wipe themselves.
Another innovation unique to X is deciding not to pay rent. This has forced our employees to work from Bryant Park’s Winter Village. Freezing yourself outside while watching people skate while Christmas music blares is the ideal way to work. It’s a truly unique working environment.
I won’t deny that what we’re building here isn’t for everyone and that some employees are leaving. I’m personally emailing individual contributors to ask them not to leave. At no other company does a CEO implore individual contributors to stay at the company. That shows how much X leadership cares about its staff.
FB: Given that many advertisers are pulling out, are you considering adding new revenue streams?
LY: Yes, we are remaking X as the everything app and have plans for many new revenue streams.
I can’t reveal all of our new revenue streams but will share one. Starting this month X will sue any American for saying, reading or writing “Xmas” as this would infringe our copyright.
Americans using “Xmas” needn’t worry - we will only sue for $10. Given the popularity of Xmas, we’re confident that these lawsuits will generate at least billion dollars for X.
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Excellent commentary on a tragic world.