In this issue:
IRS announces new tax brackets for 2024
NYC rents fall again
West Virginia set for economic boost
Dreamforce stays in San Francisco
Interview with Antony Blinken, U.S. Secretary of State
IRS announces new tax brackets for 2024
America’s Internal Revenue Service has announced new tax brackets for 2024 that account for inflation and cost of living adjustments. Details are captured below:
NYC rents fall again
Manhattan rents fell for the second consecutive month in October. Median rent fell to $4,195 last month, a 3.6% drop from September.
The news is welcomed by New York’s student population who will now have the luxury of selling less blood plasma or sperm / fewer kidneys to make ends meet.
Conversely, this news was met with dismay by New York’s landlords who own real estate, blood plasma clinics and sperm donor centers.
In a statement Mayor Eric Adams (a landlord himself), said “market forces should determine rent not the government. That’s why I’m calling on landlords to reduce housing stock to help return rents to record levels. Under my watch, New York will continue to break all sorts of records”.
West Virginia set for economic boost
West Virginia, a state in a three-way tie with Alabama and Mississippi for the most intellectually challenged place on earth, is slated for a GDP boost in the coming year.
Coal baron and answer to the ChatGPT prompt “what does a waste of space look like?” Joe Manchin announced that he will not seek re-election to the United States Senate in 2024.
This announcement triggers an auction process whereby West Virginia’s capital class bid to buy Manchin’s replacement. The auction is expected to raise millions for local media in West Virginia and the Democratic Party, thereby providing a much needed economic boost for the state.
Sadly this economic boost will not be enough to drag West Virginia into modernity as Manchin’s replacement will be required to have the same zeal and commitment to child poverty and West Virginians without a full set of teeth as the soon retiring Manchin.
As West Virginia is America’s lead coal producing state, new Senate representation is not expected to stop the proud West Virginia tradition pelting Tesla drivers with lumps of coal.
Dreamforce stays in San Francisco
Salesforce’s flagship Dreamforce conference for clients and partners will remain in San Francisco in 2024 after CEO Marc Benioff had suggested the event would leave the city.
Concerns over homelessness, cleanliness and drug usage had prompted Benioff to consider leaving the city. However, he announced “We’ve decided to stay in San Francisco for one more year because it has the exact level of failed governance, child poverty, crumbling infrastructure, feckless cops, tax cheats, self-important tech bros and public defacation we’re looking for. If we wanted any more, we’d shift our conference to India”
Interview: Antony Blinken, Secretary of State
FB: What will it take for you to call for a ceasefire in the Middle East?
AB: Look, I don’t think a ceasefire is warranted as it would help Hamas, which is a terrorist organization that must be defeated once and for all.
Instead my efforts are focused on providing humanitarian aid to Palestinians. For example, this week I procured a large supply of Ozempic for the Palestinian people. Losing weight will help make them smaller targets for the IDF. A ground invasion of Gaza should harder than playing Call of Duty!
Losing weight will also reduce their appetite and therefore reduce the need for humanitarian aid thereby accelerating the conflict and hastening its ultimate end.
FB: You’ve made several trips to the Middle East since this conflict began, why haven’t these trips achieved anything?
AB: I reject the notion that flying between Washington and Middle Eastern capitals hasn’t achieved anything. It’s acheived something very big: I just made Gold with United’s MileagePlus program!
I can’t wait to try their new Polaris lounge at Dulles airport! If this war drags on any longer, I can make a few more trips and before you know it, I’ll be a Platinum level member.
That means I’ll be allowed 3 complementary checked bags. Just think about all the Ozempic I can fit into 3 suitcases thanks to my status on United. This is why it’s wrong to just think of war as destructive. War can be constructive too.
FB: Will the U.S put any pressure on Egypt to open the Rafah border crossing?
AB: I don’t see the need to apply diplomatic pressure to Egypt. If enough Palestinians get their fix of Ozempic, they’ll be skinny enough to squeeze through the border fence and into Sinai. That’s why this supply of Ozempic is so crucial, it’s the number one way in which we can help the Palestinians.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
IDF reports that Hamas tunnel network easier to understand than NYC Subway
Disney’s cost cutting program forces Mickey Mouse to lose his shorts
Christian Louboutin endorses Ron DeSantis