Civil War could be profitable
Deep dive on the faultlines that divide America
In this issue:
The Big Story: Second Civil War - what does it mean for Corporate America?
Interview - 3 Questions with Prince Andrew
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Capitalism expected to win the next U.S. Civil War (because capitalism is undefeated)
This week the internet was awash in chatter about the prospect of another civil war in the U.S. after a former CIA advisor wrote a book suggesting that America is “closer to civil war than any of us would like to believe”.
So that our loyal readers are prepared for any such event, your correspondent has laid out how such a conflict may unfold:
The war begins when Texas annexes New Mexico - ostensibly for voting for Biden. But the real reason for the invasion is that Ted Cruz now represents New Mexico - which is one step closer to getting Mexico and most importantly Cancun under his jurisdiction.
CNN suspends all programming to cover the conflict with hard hitting new shows like Civil War with Wolf Blitzer, which is sponsored by The Rock's new energy drink: Zoa
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson releases a video to his Instagram in which he declares: "as many of you know I'm an independent/centrist and I'm so damn proud to be an American. That's why every soldier fighting in this civil war - on both sides - will get a free can of Zoa so that you can keep your energy levels high as you engage in mortal combat - which also happens to be the title of my next movie”
CNN hires Amazon execs to get their expertise on how to get employees to pee in bottles since Wolf Blitzer will be on air 24/7.
HBO Max, Hulu and Netflix compete for the rights to the Civil War reboot. Hulu wins the battle after Netflix decides to reboot The Apprentice instead and HBO Max commissions a sequel to Kazaam, once again starring Shaquille O’Neal.
Jim Cramer hosts a special edition of Mad Money where he recommends buying stock in gun manufacturers. His full quote:
“I really love the fundamentals of these gun manufacturers. After Sandy Hook, we decided guns were more important than kids. With this new civil war, America decides that guns are more important than any of us, which means we are becoming a more egalitarian society. And there’s profit to be made with such a bold step forward”
Interview: 3 Questions with Prince Andrew
Q: You’ve been stripped of your titles by the Queen - does this include your title of UK Special Representative for International Trade and Investment?
A: No of course not. Look - my mother, Her Majesty The Queen, has stripped me of my military titles because she felt that I no longer deserved them given there is a sex trafficking lawsuit against me. But even the Queen can’t deny that Special Representative for International Trade and Investment is code for global sex trafficker. I deserve to keep this title!
Q: So which titles did you lose?
A: Military titles such as Colonel-in-chief of the Yorkshire Regiment and Colonel-in-chief of the Small Arms School Corps
Q: Whoa! You were were the colonel-in-chief for the school corps for kids with small arms? Surely a sex trafficker like you should retain such a title?
A: Let me make this simple for you. The only title I now have is the Duke of York. And I’m asking that my mother change this to the title of Duke of New York so that I can escape justice in that jurisdiction.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Trump announces that he will appoint Mr. Dow Jones to lead the Federal Reserve
YouTube relocates its headquarters from San Bruno, CA to Austin, TX in pursuit of tax breaks and proximity to its biggest creator: Alex Jones
Priyanka Chopra franchises a chain of daycare centers to look after her husband Nick Jonas when she goes to work anywhere in the world