Comcast dumps cable
and an interview with Linda McMahon
Comcast announces spin off of NBCU cable networks
Comcast - parent company of NBCUniversal - has announced that it will spin off NBCU’s cable networks into a new company - dubbed SpinCo - paving the way for a different set of billionaires to profit from the Joe Scarborough’s faux outrage turned servitude on Morning Joe.
MSNBC, CNBC, E!, USA, Oxygen, SYFY and Golf Channel will be spun off into a new, publicly traded company, while Comcast retains ownership of NBC and Bravo.
It’s not clear whether Comcast CEO Brian Roberts retained Bravo for strategic reasons or because it’s the word he wants Wall Street to say when they learn about this spin off move.
Unwinding NBC News from MSNBC and CNBC will likely be a complex endeavor given how these businesses share resources and talent. While much about the separation remains uncertain, one thing is clear: neither side wants custody of Jim Cramer.
Whether MSNBC and CNBC change their names or pay Comcast royalties for licensing the NBC moniker is to be determined. At 30 Rockefeller Plaza, rumors are circling that CNBC will be rebranded to HPHS (How to Profit from Human Suffering).
To help promote their brands as they transition to SpinCo, MSNBC and CNBC are testing new taglines. Some of these taglines have been leaked exclusively to Funny Business:
MSNBC
Liberal because its good business not because we’re liberal
Profiting from being wrong about everything
We owe our existence to Roger Ailes
CNBC
Also profiting from being wrong about everything
Learn to profit from a shrinking middle class and social collapse
We won’t see the next market crash coming either
Interview: Linda McMahon
FB: Congratulations on being nominated for U.S. Secretary of Education. What are your plans once you’re in office?
LM: Well firstly, I’m honored that a lifelong friendship and decades worth of donations to Donald Trump have culminated in my nomination for Secretary of Education.
You know education is just so important to our country, all Americans deserve a great education and to go to school in a safe environment. Sadly, our country has suffered through too many school shootings.
Therefore, I’m delighted to announce the introduction of WWE training for all schools receiving U.S. Department of Education funding. This will allow our kids to safely execute chair shots, Stone Cold Stunners and Tombstone Piledrivers should they come face to face with a school shooter.
FB: Are you serious? How do wrestling moves help kids take on shooters?
LM: Well, we don’t know that these wrestling moves work. But what we do know is that we’ve tried a bunch of other options, and they haven’t worked.
We also know that Stone Cold Stunners are a devastating move that can incapacitate an opponent. So why not try something new to keep our kids safe?
FB: And what happens when Stone Cold Stunners fail to stop school shooters?
LM: Another problem is that the chairs in schools are made from plastic or wood. Let me tell you - that isn’t going to stop any school shooter. That’s why under my leadership, all K-12 schools across the country will be required to replace wooden or plastic chairs with WWE-style steel chairs.
These chairs are known to create a loud noise upon impact and cause concussions when targeted at the head. That’s why the WWE training program has an advanced placement class that will train kids on how to successfully use steel chairs - for just $600.
FB: Wait - you’re expecting parents to pay for WWE training that they didn’t even ask for?
LM: No - of course not. The $600 charge is only for the kids who want steel chair training. The basic program that teaches how to use wrestling moves to take on school shooters will be free for parents because the U.S. Department of Education has signed a long term contract with the WWE. Under my leadership, the ‘E’ in WWE stands for Education, and not just Entertainment!
FB: CNN is reporting that you were once sued for allegedly enabling sexual abuse of children. Doesn’t that disqualify you from U.S. Education Secretary?
LM: Heavens above - no! You know it all comes back to Jeffrey Epstein. He was a great educator - he taught at New York’s prestigious Dalton School. Donald thinks there’s a link between teaching at Dalton and being charged with sexual abuse.
So, if anything, the lawsuit you’re referring to convinced Donald to appoint me to lead the Department of Education.
FB: There’s a lot of chatter about Trump wanting to dismantle the Department of Education. Would you be comfortable with such a plan?
LM: No - I would not. Under my leadership the U.S. Department of Education will remain. With a $238 billion budget, there’s plenty of opportunity to do business with the Department of Education.
Once the ink dries on the WWE deal to provide wrestling training to schools, we’re going to sell UFC training from our partners at TKO, acting lessons from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
FB: Let me stop you there - you’re not seriously asserting that The Rock can act, let alone teach it to others are you?
LM: Not at all. He can’t act. But if you look at his social media following, it doesn’t matter! He’s turned being awful at acting into a highly lucrative endeavor. There’s money to be made from The Rock teaching acting to kids and I’ll be there to broker this deal.
FB: Sounds like you’ll be using your position to enrich yourself.
LM: Sounds like you’re describing the Obama presidency.
3 things to look for next week
Joe Scarborough admits he’s thankful for another Trump Presidency
Trump nominates Kid Rock as U.S. Ambassador to the WWE
Cash-strapped UK government introduces a new bill to tax defecation