America solves racism
Americans woke today to a country finally free of racism. This historic milestone was achieved by a range of efforts, from big business to government.
Racism among Republicans was solved thanks to the NFL. The league had “END RACISM” written under the goalposts in each of its 30 stadiums.
When NFL fans - who have a strong overlap with Trump voters - saw those words, they realized the error of their ways, acknowledged their racist past and vowed never to be racist ever again. The fans then pledged to kneel for the national anthem and protest police brutality against African-Americans.
Buoyed by the success of its anti-racism efforts, the NFL has plans to add more slogans to end lines. NFL owners are currently debating which social issues to support and will choose from the below slogans:
Gambling Is Good
Climate Change Creates Jobs
Deregulate Aircraft Manufacturing
Lina Khan Is A Terrorist
Cut Taxes
Secret Bunkers Should Be Tax-Deductible
Defund Public Schools
For Democrats, racism was solved thanks to a hip hop task force, which uses hip hop’s messaging of building a more equitable society to promote economic equality, affordable housing and racial justice.
Liberal racists realized that the thing propelling their racism was a lack of rap music about how racism is a problem in America. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Nikki Haley upon hearing Democrats’ hip hop efforts to address racism.
After ending racism, Democratic lawmakers took to the House floor where they proceeded to rap about how they ended racism in America. Here’s a sample:
Yo, listen up, let me drop some knowledge real quick, About how Democrats flipped the script, no gimmick. Back in the day, racism was a vicious epidemic, But through the power of hip hop, we rewrote the rhetoric.
From the Bronx to Compton, voices rose up, Speaking truth to power, never backing up. Democrats stood tall, fought for equality, Using hip hop as a tool, to reshape reality.
(Chorus) Democrats and hip hop, a dynamic duo, Ending racism, yeah, that's how we roll. Through beats and rhymes, we spread the message, Of love and unity, breaking down the wreckage.
Travis Kelce traded to New York Jets
Fresh off winning Super Bowl LVIII, Travis Kelce shocked the NFL world by announcing a trade to the hapless New York Jets.
In an interview with ESPN, Kelce said "I just won back to back championships with Kansas City - I feel like I reached my ceiling there. Now I want to focus on developing a career in entertainment, and what could be more entertaining than me yelling at anti-vax nutjob Aaron Rodgers on the sidelines instead of Coach Reid?
"So New York City get ready baby. TK is tk. It feels right. I’m always quoting the classic Beastie Boys line ‘you gotta fight, for your right, to party!’ so it makes sense for me to move to the Beastie Boys’ hometown.”
The move to New York City is expected to boost the number of media appearances made by Kelce, who is signed to CAA. It also allows him to move in with his girlfriend Taylor Swift who maintains a home in Tribeca.
A spokesperson for Taylor Swift did not comment but denied that the ever-calculating Swift engineered the move so that Google search results for “Taylor swift jet” would replace her private jet flying with pictures of her boyfriend in the Jets’ green uniform.
“Taylor cares deeply about Travis and his career and is excited for him to relocate to New York City” said her spokewoman. “She categorically denies this move was to distract from her private jet travel. Incidentally, Taylor would like to remind her fans that CO2 contains O2 which is oxygen and vital to sustain life on earth. Separately Taylor Swift is launching her own line of pyjamas. Again, this is not done to prevent “Taylor Swift pj” searches showing results of her private jet travel”.
Indeed Taylor Swift views herself as the primary victim of climate change. Her upcoming album Tortured Poets Department (rumored to be a future cabinet department in the next Trump administration) allegedly contains a song about how climate change betrayed her a la Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Kanye West, Matty Healy, Lucas Tills, Cory Monteith, Joe Jonas, Zac Efron, Calvin Harris, Tom Hiddleston and Joe Alwyn.
Interview: Rishi Sunak
FB: Britain endured a recession in 2023. As Prime Minister, surely you must shoulder some blame for Britain’s abysmal economic performance?
RS: Of course not. Look, clearly our economic performance fell short of expectations. But we have a plan to turn things around. It’s an election year so tax cuts are a given. But I’m looking beyond 2024 in order to deliver the long term economic growth that Britons deserve.
I promise the British people that I will review our current roster of Russian oligarchs, American oligarchs and Arab princes. No expense will be spared to optimize this roster to ensure that we are seriving the ideal mix of oligarchs and princes. This will restore growth and revive our economy.
2024 will be the year where we reduce the number of Russian oligarchs we serve and instead pivot to attracting more Americans and Arabs.
In fact, to make the UK more appealing to American investors, I’ll pass a law that will allow employees to be branded with their employer’s logo on their buttocks. This will help convey the clear sense of ownership that American investors crave.
FB: That seems a little inhumane.
RS: No no, it will be done in a very humane way. All buttock branding will be covered by our National Health Service using irons that are heated to 100 degrees celcius (that’s 212 degrees fahrenreit in case any prospective American investor is reading this!).
We will also make this process humane by allowing employees to choose the size of the logo they wanted branded. In fact, employees in Shropshire, Warwickshire and Lancashire will even get to choose their own branding iron. And we will only allow the left buttock to be branded. I’m not a monster!
I’m a compassionate conservative. I know the importance of leaving the right buttock alone - especially since 29% of Britons have ads tattooed on the right buttock as a form of earning secondary income when showering at the gym. CPMs for bum tattoos must be huge!
Nothing can match such British entrepreneurialism. That’s why I’m so confident about the future of this country.
FB: You’re seeking foreign money, but foreign capital is directly responsible for making housing unaffordable for many Londoners. This seems like a misguided policy.
RS: Certainly not. I’m not worth billions and I’m a borderline millennial and I’ve managed to buy property in the humble London borough of Kensington & Chelsea. So housing may be expensive in London, but it remains highly affordable.
Young people still renting can get onto the property ladder by following these 3 simple steps as I did:
Choose business owner / doctor parents
Work for Goldman Sachs
Marry into an oligarch family
It’s really not that difficult. But since millenials love to complain, I’m proud to say that the UK government is launching a new app called Oli-Oli, which matches young single people with oligarchs who can provide a down payment in exchange for having their name on the deed. Simple!
FB: Economic growth happens when there is population growth or productivity growth. What is your plan to increase either of these to trigger economic growth?
RS: Well we’re certainly not trying to increase population via immigration. In fact, my government is committed to a record fall in immigration. Our immigration target is like our environmental policy; the goal is net zero.
Which means we are principally considering productivity increases as a means to boost economic growth. I’m confident we will increase productivity with Operation Go Back, a mass deportation drive which may not spare my parents.
In addition, I’m excited to announce a new patriotic program: Work for Britain. Under this exciting new program, employees will have to work at least 60 hours per week, or otherwise expect to be drafted into the British Army. This is guaranteed to raise productivity and/or boost the armed forces. Huzzah!
Our country peaked in the 1800s. Which is why I’ve sought inspiration from the 19th century to extend the Work for Britain to include children! Kids as young as 5 will be able to mow lawns, pick up rubbish and clean toilets in hospitals.
Finally, we will boost productivity by investing in infrastructure. That’s why we’re installing a new helipad at Number 10 Downing Street, a new private school for my kids, also at Number 10, and a new tunnel that links London to Mumbai so that my wife can get her curries delivered faster.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
To promote public safety, Missouri Governor Mike Parson announces that all 2025 Super Bowl parade attendees will be given a Glock upon arrival
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis redraws Florida’s border with Georgia and Alabama so that the Florida panhandle is shaped like an AR-15
NRA sues FIFA for not allowing soccer players to tackle each other by gunfire during the 2026 FIFA World Cup