Epic wins for Dow Jones and Defense
and Elon Musk steps up to fight for the forgotten men of America
In this issue:
Google loses monopoly case to Epic Games
Congress approves $886 billion Pentagon budget
Dow surges to all time high
Interview with Elon Musk
Google loses monopoly case to Epic Games
A jury in San Francisco ruled in favor Epic Games, publisher of popular video game Fortnite, in their court case against Google.
Epic alleged that Google operated an illegal monopoly and engaged in anti-competitive behavior.
Jurors took 4 hours to deliberate before reaching a verdict. The first 3 hours were spent Googling “Is Google a monopoly?” and being met with only one search result:
The remaining hour was spent searching “Is Google a monopoly?” on Bing which returned a single GIF result:
Google has said it will appeal the ruling and has fired its lawyer, Mr Moneybags:
In its defense, Google cloaked itself in the flag by arguing there’s nothing more American than operating a monopoly, choking competition and charging unduly high fees and that it modeled its approach on the Democratic Party.
Congress approves $886 billion Pentagon budget
Congress has passed a bill that approves a record $886 billion in military spending.
The bill was passed wih bipartisan support as bombing the sh*t out of poor people in black/brown countries remains one of the few things that unites Americans of all political stripes. In fact, Americans only agree on 3 other things:
The day after the Super Bowl should be a holiday
Daylight Saving time should be abolished
Jada Pinkett and Will Smith should shut up and seek help for their attention addiction
The bill’s passage was met with loud cheers at Lockheed Martin HQ and in Brusssels where debt-free Europeans gathered to celebrate their continued success at outsourcing defense to America.
The Biden administration is privately touting the bill as a win on immigration. A White House source admitted “Bombing poors in Asia and Africa is a creative way to reduce immigration to the United States. You can’t seek asylum if you’re dead.”
Meanwhile the Congressional Republicans WhatsApp messages celebrated the bill’s passage as win on healthcare.
Meanwhile the Mayor of Flint, Michigan took a victory lap despite not voting on the bill by dialling in to a local radio show and saying “Stop complaining about lead water in Flint, its really not that bad. Look at the water quality of the countries we bomb. Water sourced from reservoirs we dropped bombs into is much worse.”
Dow surges to all time high
The Dow Jones index hit an all time high after the Federal Reserve held interest rates flat and signaled 3 rate cuts in 2024.
Fed Chairman Jerome Powell admitted that he’s reducing rates to match reduction in U.S. life expectancy.
Wall Street rallied in response to this news from the Fed. Overheard on the NYSE trading floor:
“Lower life expectancy is bad. But if it means a bigger bonus I can get behind it. YOLO”
“I’m a huge Star Trek guy. And all Trekkies live by the mantra ‘live long and prosper’. But what’s the point of living long if you can’t prosper? So if we lose 1 year of life expectancy for every 1,000 points in the Dow, sign me up twice”
“I’m so thrilled to end the year on an all time high. It’s great for New York too. Higher Dow means higher pay for Wall Street which means more tax funds available to house the homeless. I love how doing my day job makes me a philanthropist. Merry Christmas America”
Interview: Elon Musk
FB: You’ve tweeted your opposition to DEI by saying it must die. What has led you to this conclusion?
EM: Firstly, let me start by correcting you. I didn’t tweet anything. there’s no such thing as Twitter any more. There’s X. Which means I exxed a comment. Get it right or go f*** yourself. And you can f*** yourself on X because it’s the everything app.
Secondly, DEI is reverse racism. The point of DEI was to end discrimination not promote it. Look around at how much racism DEI is responsible for. Look at Draymond Green - he was a diversity hire for the Golden State Warriors. He doesn’t become a pro basketball player without a diversity quota which means that DEI is discrminating against everyone else.
Pretty much every NBA roster is built on diversity quotas. They should rename the league from NBA to DEI. It gets worse because DEI Draymond lashed out at an opponent this week. Totally unacceptable. Violence is never acceptable unless its been done by a drunk Cybertruck driver.
And look at NBA leadership. The NBA is run by Adam Silver. Also a diversity hire. There’s no way he gets the NBA commissioner job without the bald man from UChicago quota established by Barack Obama for entirely self-serving purposes.
Obama thought he would become NBA commissioner after leaving the White House. He didn’t anticipate the quota he established would be filled by Adam Silver instead. Serves Obama right for being a racist!
DEI is also how you get Chris Rock slapped at the Oscars by the way. Without DEI, Will Smith is never invited to the Oscars in the first place. DEI is why Freddie Mercury died so young from Aids. Tragic, I know. My buddy Leo knows that DEI is a fraud which is why he doesn’t include anyone over 25 in his dating pool.
DEI has enabled an insatiable mob and its open season on white men right now. They’re coming for everyone. Just this year they took out Logan Roy, Henry Kissinger, Russell Brand, Tucker Carlson and Eminem. Elvis Presley is still in hiding because of this mob!
This is why I’m buying the United Nations. I’m doing it so spread true justice throughout the galaxy by dismantling DEI and classifying white men as an endangered species.
FB: Is this why you’ve replatformed Alex Jones?
EM: I’m a free speech absolutist. And I’m a man of the people. The people voted and they voted decisively, 70.1% in favor of reinstating Alex Jones.
As we’ve discussed, I’m against discrimination. I don’t think we should exclude someone because of their views. That’s why I’ve developed AI bot and trained it on speeches and writings from Pol Pot, Hitler, Mao, Stalin, Idi Amin and Kim Il in order to create AI-powered X accounts for each of those brave leaders.
Free speech absolutism means free speech for everyone. Even for likes of Kim Il Sung who opposed free speech. The bot is great. Check out some of its Hitler tweets:
“I’m thrilled that an Aryan like Lukas Mattson took over Waystar Royco. Succession is my favorite show because it has the exact right number of minority characters: zero!”
“I’m a proud German but I must concede, when it comes to mass incarceration, and incarcerating minorities, America is number one.”
“She’s got blonde hair and blue eyes, so yes of course I’m a Swiftie. And as for how history views me, just like Tay-Tay, I shake it off”
FB: How advanced is your AI and robotics technology?
EM: Super advanced. I’ve created an incredibly realistic humanoid robot that is AI-powered and well versed on a broad array of political topics. It’s a prototype right now so it speaks too fast. I need to work on that.
He’s been on TV a lot lately and he’s so realistic that 99.9% of people don’t know that he’s a humanoid robot and not an actual person. He’s called Vivek Ramaswamy and maybe he’ll be President some day!
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Amazon acquires Seattle Public School system
Draymond Green is hired by IDF
Elon Musk reveals he’s been married to Ayn Rand for the past 20 years in an exclusive interview with SAD magazine