In this issue:
Warner Bros Discovery explores merger with Paramount Global
Wayfair CEO demands employees work harder
Markets experience Santa Claus rally
Interview with Ron DeSantis
Warner Bros Discovery explores merger with Paramount Global
WBD CEO David Zaslav met Paramount CEO Bob Bakish this week to discuss a potential merger between their two firms in order to better compete with the likes of scaled streamers like Netflix.
If the two media giants do end up merging, it would bring a broad array of IP - ranging from Batman to SpongeBob Squarepants - under a single roof. A combined entity would also be laden with debt as WBD currently has $43b in net debt while Paramount has $14b.
WBD and Paramount share prices were largely unmoved by this news as it does nothing to solve the fundamental problems that either party faces, but does increase the scale of the problem, kind of like Joe Biden’s Middle East policy.
As such, the potential merger lends itself to exciting new crossover content:
For example, Corporate Citizen where Batman and SpongeBob unite to extort money from criminals to help pay down Warner Bros Discovery + Paramount debt.
Seeking to emulate the success of Captain America: Civil War, WBD+Paramount create Harry Potter and the Impossible Mission whereby Harry Potter and Tom Cruise compete to find cost savings for David Zaslav.
Spoiler alert: the movie ends when Harry Potter casts a spell on Wall Street convincing them that Warner Bros Discovery + Paramount is a tech company. But not before Tom Cruise performs his most daring stunt yet: he scales earth’s highest peak - an $57 billion pile of corporate debt.
Warner’s CNN and Paramount’s CBS News would be combined to form CNN-BS News
Given the need to slash costs post-merger, the new division would have only 1 employee: Anderson Cooper.
His first assignment would be to report on how shareholders are getting whiplash from how frequently Warner changes its name and corporate structure. It’s gone from Time Warner to Warner Media (after AT&T takeover) to Warner Bros. Discovery (after Discovery merger).
Names under consideration for the potential WBD + Paramount tie up include:
Warner Bros Discovery Paramount Global
DiscoWarnerMount
Parawarner-Discovery
Debt at Scale
$43 billion in debt isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? $57 billion in debt
Wayfair CEO demands employees work harder
Wayfair CEO Niraj Shah is trying to motivate employees to work harder.
In a memo to his employees, Shah noted “Winning requires hard work…Working long hours, being responsive, blending work and life, is not anything to shy away from”.
He then laid out various ways in which Wayfair employees could blend work and life through various competitions:
Email-sprint: medals for the fastest response on a weekend
Voice of the customer: employees review the most comfortable Wayfair couch for working past 10 pm
Team player: competition to take as little vacation as possible to win the prize of coffee with the CEO
Super-parent: don’t take parental leave in exchange for a free iPad which can raise your kids instead
Organ king: determine whether you’re a suitable organ donor for the CEO
Markets experience Santa Claus rally
As the year ends, financial markets are set to experience a Santa Claus rally, with an average gain of about 1% over the next seven trading days.
This boost will be driven by astute CEOs making savvy moves to cut costs and boost revenue.
For example, media companies won’t spend any money on Christmas gifts for their employees. Instead, staff at the likes of Paramount Global and Fox will receive 10% off at the company gift shop.
Not to be outdone, news orgs will cut costs by enticing executives to have affairs with junior staffers so that they can then fire them.
Meanwhile tech companies will give employees free t-shirts with the company logo on in order to generate free publicity by banking on the fact that most employees will brag about getting a free t-shirt on Linkedin.
Interview: Ron DeSantis
FB: Your campaign is on the ropes and was recently trashed by Tucker Carlson. How do you plan to spend the holiday season to reinvigorate your campaign?
RD: Americans are flocking to my message and to Florida because they’re fed up with wokism and know that Florida is where woke and their grandparents go to die.
I’m proud of my record of tackling wokism in Florida and am excited to take this nationwide. Under President DeSantis’ anti-woke agenda, Americans can expect reparations for slave owners and a reboot of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air set in Greenwich, Connecticut.
Also, I’ll solve the gender pay gap by ensuring that Americans are paid based on the most equitable measure possible: testosterone levels.
And I’ll end gender dysmorphia by segregating department stores by gender.
FB: Isn’t that hypocritical given that you’ve become famous for wearing heels? Christian Louboutin himself endorsed your campaign thanks to all the publicity you’ve generated for heeled footwear.
RD: I think you’ll find Louboutin endorsed me because of my impeccable fashion sense and because I’m proposing a law that removes homeless people from in front of Louboutin stores and places them in front of Hermes stores instead. So Hermes, if you want to boost your business in Miami, give me call.
FB: You’ve also been endorsed by Victoria’s Secret for wearing their bras to contain your man boobs. What do you make of this endorsement?
RD: You must have caught the woke mind virus if you think an alpha-male like myself wears heels or bras. I wear stylish but manly undergarments that are designed for the exact contours of my manly body. And I bought these undergarments from Victor’s Secret which is only available on the men’s side of Florida’s segregated malls.
FB: Are you sure that culture wars is a winning move when Americans are grappling with issues such as climate change, unaffordable housing and crumbling infrastructure?
RD: My landslide victory proves that Floridians support my anti-woke agenda. And I can use this agenda to solve all issues.
For example, to solve crumbling infrastructure I’ve been consulting with our Saudi allies.
FB: To get investment in infrastructure upgrades?
RD: No, to learn how to ban women from driving. Roads will last longer if women can’t drive. It’s simple math, which is the only math we teach in Florida high schools.
FB: Speaking of schools, how do you respond to those who criticize your decision to approve the controversial PragerU as a vendor to Florida public schools?
RD: I say they don’t understand how deeply Floridians resent the woke agenda. I’m tackling wokism in education head on.
For example, starting next year, all Florida school buses will be painted in the most neutral color of all: white. The current yellow communicates bias towards Asian students who are already benefitting from other forms of affirmative action.
Repainting school buses is a necessary step towards countering wokism and the systemic bias it creates.
Also, there’s no such thing as climate change - it’s a radical woke agenda. Here in Florida, we have the best hurricane preparedness program in the country. We’ve loosened gun laws so that all Floridians are able to equip themselves with the weapons needed to shoot hurricanes and looters seeking to profit from hurricane damage.
And before you suggest that Florida is experiencing more frequent and intense hurricanes, let me tell you that it’s just God’s way of telling Floridians to arm themselves.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
23andMe reveals that Donald Trump is what you’d get if an Oompa Loompa banged Mein Kampf
Joe Biden caught on a hot mic saying he wishes there was another COVID strain to distract from U.S. complicity in ethnic cleansing of Palestinians
Rudy Giuliani becomes a stripper to fight his way out of bankruptcy