In this issue:
Meta crushes earnings, Zuck’s wealth sky rockets
America’s homeless support U.S. strikes on Iraq & Syria
Interview with Taylor Swift
Meta crushes earnings, Zuck’s wealth sky rockets
Meta’s announced strong quarterly earnings and the company’s first ever dividend and stock buyback. This announcement triggered a 20% surge in the company’s stock price which boosted Zuck’s net worth by $28.1 billion to $170.5 billion.
Although he looks and acts like an authoritarian with no regard for how others may be impacted by his actions, Zuck cares deeply about improving society. As such, his philanthropic endeavor - the Chan-Zuckerberg Initiative - has announced plans for spending Zuck’s new wealth:
To streamline antitrust enforcement, Zuck plans to buy the Federal Trade Commission
To improve Bay Area public education, Zuck will pay for new maps that don’t include Myanmar
To lower Bay Area housing costs, Zuck will fund migrant deportations to reduce demand for housing
To reduce crime, Bay Area police officers will no longer see ads in their Instagram/Facebook feeds, to help them identify criminals quicker
To reduce traffic, Zuck will fund highway expansion to include a car pool lane only for Meta employees
To improve mass transit, Zuck will subsidize Ozempic so riders lose weight to help trains run faster
To combat climate change, Zuck has bought 5 fuel efficient private jets
America’s homeless support U.S. strikes on Iraq & Syria
U.S. airstrikes in Iraq and Syria killed dozens of militants and several civilians. President Biden ordered the strikes on Iranian assets and interests in the region in retaliation for an attack that killed 3 U.S. servicemen in Jordan last week.
The airstrikes are expected to boost President Biden’s standing among 2 key demographics: the homeless and news anchors. America’s roughly 650,000 homeless all agreed that although they lack shelter, food and healthcare, the most pressing priority of the U.S. government is to bomb Iranian proxies in Iraq and Syria.
An unidentified homeless man - who works for the U.S. Postal Service by day and waits tables at Olive Garden by night, but lives on Skid Row because LA is so unaffordable - said “It’s certainly frustrating to be living on the streets even though I’m working two jobs. But America’s safety comes first. And we’re safe because we’ve got a history of taking decisive military action in the Middle East which never ever generates blowback.
I’m confident that bombing Iraq and Syria will end this conflict permanently. America is a divided nation for sure. But one thing we can all agree on is that the best way to help Americans without food, shelter and healthcare is to protect us from the Middle Eastern menace with bombs”
Meanwhile, America’s cable news anchors are having their war cup filled with the latest strikes. MSNBC wheeled Brian Williams out of retirement so that he could once again quote Leonard Cohen and describe the images of the devastation caused by U.S. airstrikes as “beautiful”.
CNN’s Kaitlan Collins - the only millenial anchor on primetime cable news - was criticized for saying that President Biden ordered the airstrikes “as easily as ordering eyelash extensions on Amazon but with slower delivery”.
Over on Fox News, Jesse Watters blamed Taylor Swift for delaying President Biden’s relataliatory strikes by claiming that Swift’s dominance of the news cycle meant that Biden had to wait a few days before striking in order to be noticed by the press.
The airstrikes were also welcomed by the stylists and make up artists who serve news anchors who now have to spend more time on air, but not by the interns who are forced to make more coffee runs for the exact same wage.
Given America’s propensity for bombing Iraq since 1990, the Pentagon has asked Microsoft to add Outlook’s scheduled send functionality to U.S. munitions. This way, bombing Iraq can become more streamlined and efficient. In the future, U.S. bombing of Iraq will be scheduled to take place at the following times:
Whenever the unemployment rate and/or inflation rate rises
Whenever a U.S. Senator offers “thoughts and prayers”
Whenever universal healthcare is mentioned in Congress
Whenever Anthony Weiner tweets
Whenever an oligarch buys another yacht
Interview: Taylor Swift
FB: How are you adapting to your relationship with Travis Kelce receiving so much more attention than your previous relationships?
TS: I’ve been in the spotlight long enough to know how to handle anything the press can throw at me. But what concerns me is that there’s so much attention of my romantic life that its distracting for real social issues impacting our country.
Just because I’m an oligarch now, doesn’t mean that I want to distract the masses from paying attention to the real issues.
FB: You mean issues like the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians in Gaza?
TS: Actually I was referring to how predatory record labels prevented me from owning my own music for the longest time and forced me to record Taylor’s version. If they can exploit a southern belle like me, they can come for anyone.
FB: Congrats on Travis Kelce and the Chiefs making the Super Bowl. Will you be at the game even though you’re performing in Tokyo the night before?
TS: The only way I don’t make it is if Kanye West is at Haneda Airport, parks his private jet in front of mine and says that he’s really happy for me but Jerry Rice has one of the best Super Bowl records of all time.
I fully intend to be there in Vegas to support my man. To help offset the carbon emissions from my private jet flying all over the world, I’ve asked my fans to stop flying for 3 years - after the Eras tour concludes, of course. My jet set era will be balanced by the grounded era for the fans which is why I named my private jet ‘Gilded Age’.
But fans who come to more than 1 show see their travel ban reduced to just 2 years. And fans who buy $10,000 worth of merchandise from TaylorSwift.com will be able to circumvent this travel ban entirely.
FB: A travel ban - doesn’t that put you in league with former President Trump?
TS: No of course not. His travel ban was absolute and based on religion. Mine has a few caveats as I mentioned to make it more palatable. It’s totally different. And mine isn’t based on religion.
It applies equally if you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or no religion at all. I’m very proud to say that the travel ban for my fans is totally free of discrimination.
FB: Having fans circumvent the travel ban by buying your merchandise adds to your business savvy reputation.
TS: I’m all about the fans. I love being there for my fans - they mean everything to me. I wouldn’t be where I am without their love and support.
I think many of them view me as a female icon. Which is why fans who can’t afford concert tickets but wish to support me nontheless can donate to the Female Empowerment Fund at TaylorSwift.com.
I personally guarantee that all donations to that fund go directly to helping me increase my net worth beyond $1 billion. Male oligarchs have ruined our country. We need strong female oligarchs to have more power and influence in America.
I just need to hit $5 billion so that I can exceed Bill Ackman net worth. Once I do, I’ll tell him to shut the f*** up. Or join me in a consortium to buy the Kansas City Chiefs so that I can set Travis free from playing head-bang on Sundays.
So to all the little girls out there who are frustrated with the likes of Bill Ackman using their power and influence destructively to oust women from positions of power, know that Taylor is here for you. Just encourage your parents to donate to the female empowerment fund to show who’s boss.
And you know I’m credible because I’m the quintessential example of a girl whose ambition and career wasn’t defined by her first name.
FB: Travis Kelce has made a habit of quoting the Beastie Boys when he says ‘you gotta fight, for your right, to party!’ Are you offended that he doesn’t quote one of your songs instead?
TS: No of course not. I’m not petty like that. But I guarantee you he’ll know the lyrics to the song I’ll write about him if he doesn’t propose after winning the Super Bowl. I already started drafting it. Here’s a preview:
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Poll reveals 47% of Americans are OK with fascism if it means their Amazon packages get delivered faster
Homeless man in New York legally changes his name to Travis Kelce to attract attention to homelessness crisis
Greg Abbott hires Vince McMahon to command Texas National Guard at the U.S.-Mexico border