Mitch McConnell's Startling Admission

In many ways, Mitch is the opposite of Coinbase

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In this issue:

• 3 Big Stories

  • Coinbase goes public

  • Pfizer predicts a 3rd dose of COVID vaccine

  • Airline execs bearish on summer travel

• Interview - 3 Questions with Mitch McConnell

• 3 Things To Look For In The Next Week

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3 Big Stories

Coinbase goes public via direct listing, not IPO

Coinbase - the cryptocurrency exchange - went public via a direct listing on Wednesday, with shares opening at $381. To mark the occasion, the company’s 1,700 employees each received 100 shares. As a result, Republican Senators are proposing Coinbase shares as a means to pay for infrastructure.

By going public, Coinbase became a company owned by many individuals. Not to be confused with Mitch McConnell who is an individual owned by many companies.

Coinbase skipped the traditional IPO process and instead listed it’s stock directly on the Nasdaq. Other entities to go public via direct listing include Spotify, Slack and Marco Rubio who used a direct listing to sell his dignity to Donald Trump.

Pfizer expects people will need a 3rd dose of COVID vaccine within a year

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla said that it is likely that people will need a 3rd dose of the COVID vaccine within 12 months of getting fully vaccinated. He added that people may also need a COVID booster shot on an annual basis.

This development led Pfizer to do the inevitable: launch Pfizer+, a new streaming service that includes the annual COVID booster, all for just $9.99/month. The service will feature groundbreaking series such as “The P” which tells the origin story of the letter P in the name Pfizer.

Pfizer+ will also include a dating show called “The Vaccine” which offers a very modern take on love by pairing people who took the Pfizer vaccine with people who took the Moderna vaccine. The show is billed as the ultimate compatibility test.

Airline Executives Bearish On Summer Travel As Borders Remain Closed

European borders that have been shut for most Americans due to COVID restrictions are not expected to re-open in time for the summer travel season. However, airline CEOs are hoping that U.S.-UK travel will resume sooner as Britain has eased lockdown restrictions.

Travel between the U.S. and continental Europe may not resume as quickly given that France and Italy have reinstated lockdowns. The silver lining is that this mercifully delays the second season of Emily in Paris.

International travel restrictions have seen U.S. carriers redeploy their aircraft on domestic routes. Passengers heading to domestic destinations have asked for lower fares for having to sit through in flight entertainment that plays Emily In Paris.

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Interview: 3 Questions with Mitch McConnell

Q: You want money from CEOs but you don’t want to have to listen to their views. Does this make you a stripper?

MM: Yes I suppose you could say that. My interests have always been to strip the government of funding. And Democrats say that I’ve stripped the Senate of decorum. So yes, I am stripper. A stripper called Jade because I’m all about that greenback.

Q: But how can you ignore the concerns of donors/business leaders like the CEO of Coke when you’re Cocaine Mitch?

MM: I’ve never resented the nickname Cocaine Mitch because to me cocaine makes sense: whites go up and it feels great. Cocaine is the most American drug of all.

Q: Now that you’re the Senate Minority Leader, can we expect your politics to align more with America’s minorities?

MM: Of course. I have always been the standard bearer for America’s minorities. And I will continue to carry the flag for the minority of Americans who own more than 50% of the wealth of this country because I need their support to get re-elected. So Elon and Jeff - call me when you want to lower the minimum wage to $3/hour. After all, not paying for labor has always been the American way.

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3 Things To Look For In The Next Week

1. Coca-Cola announces earnings and reveals how many extra Coke cans were sold to voters waiting in long lines in Georgia’s special Senate election

2. To combat gun control legislation, Ted Cruz argues that “guns are people” in the Senate. Most Republicans agree - mostly because they like guns more than they like Ted Cruz.

3. Alex Rodriguez waits until 3 hours after Prince Phillip is buried before making his move for the Queen. British tabloids love the Queen-ARod pairing and dub the couple QArod.

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Thanks for reading. See you next week - because Fridays are for Funny Business!