Trump launches God Bless the USA Bible
Former and future President Donald Trump announced his latest business venture this week: the God Bless the USA Bible - sold for $60. Critics have slammed Trump for this grift by saying that its just a regular bible with a new cover emblazoned with Old Glory. However, a more detailed review of Trump’s Bible reveals that he has rewritten the Ten Commandments:
You shall take no other gods before meYou shall take no other gods before me unless it helps perpetuate a sense of grievanceYou shall not make idolsYou shall only make golden idols of Donald J Trump and charge fans for pictures with the idol to help settle your legal bills
You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vainYou shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain unless you are comparing yourself to Jesus, then it’s OK becuase Jesus probably had a Trump bumper sticker on his donkey
Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holyRemember January 6 and keep it holy by having hot dogs, beer, hanging Mike Pence, drinking libtard tears and calling Heidi Cruz ugly
Honor your father and honor your motherHonor your father and mother if they defrauded others and dodged taxes to give you $413m so that you can pretend to be a very stable geniusYou shall not murderYou shall not murder unless you’re shooting someone on 5th Avenue to see if you’d lose any voters as its a foolproof strategy because rich white men never face justice in New York
You shall not commit adulteryYou shall not commit adultery unless she’s a Playboy model because you can grab ‘em by the…
You shall not stealYou shall not steal unless its an election because that will allow you to steal an entire economy and place it in the hands of your cronies and then siphon off money from them la Vladimir Putin because you’re making oligarchy great againYou shall not bear false witness against your neighborYou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless her name is E Jean Carroll who is a Democratic operative planted by Nancy Pelosi to make Trump look badYou shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or your neighbor’s houseYou shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless she is the wife of your son-in-law, Jared Kushner in which case you can covet her and encourage her to get surgical enhancements
U.S. sends CIA assassins to kill Palestinians in Gaza
In light of a UN expert asserting that Israel is committing genocide in Gaza, the United States is shifting its approach to the conflict. In addition to abstaining from a ceasefire vote at the United Nations, the U.S. will change how it supports Israel.
The U.S. faces complicity in the man-made famine and 30,000+ civilian deaths in Gaza, while still trying to support Israel’s efforts to invade Rafah, where 1 million Palestinians are sheltering.
To overcome bad PR from U.S. support for a genocide, the U.S. will ship new weapons to Israel in Do Not Open boxes:
In addition, the U.S. will send CIA assassins to kill Gazans in order to have greater plausible deniability. The State Department expects that the rate of civilian deaths will decrease which will allow the conflict to fade from the headlines.
U.S. Secretary of Defense defended this changes in tactics by saying that “slow burn no longer just describes The Crown - my favorite TV show - it now also describes the U.S. approach to Palestinian mass death.”
Interview: Barack Obama
FB: You’ve just helped Joe Biden raise $26 million for his re-election campaign by appearing on stage with him at Radio City. How did you find the event?
BO: It was a great event. I was happy to be there to support my brother from another mother, Joe Biden. Making sure we give him all the support he needs to have another successful term in office.
On a personal note, I found the whole thing a bit nostalgic. Joe was by my side for 8 years of my presidency to take on a broad array of challenges. And we compiled a pretty good record together.
FB: Are you sure about that? Didn’t inequality skyrocket under your presidency?
BO: Look - inequality may have increased a little. When I took office in 2009, the top 1% owned $15.7 trillion in wealth. When I left office in 2017, the top 1% owned $28.1 trillion.
Which seems like a big increase in wealth concentration. Until you consider that after my presidency, I joined the 1% thanks to my book deals and Netflix deals. Which is to say that 1% became a little more representative of what America looks like during my time in office. And that’s change we can believe in.
FB: Under Joe Biden the top 1% have gone from owning $30 trillion in 2020 to $45 trillion in 2023. That suggests that Democrats don’t have a good record on this topic.
BO: Not exactly. I’d say that things are heading in the right direction. During my time in office the top 1% increased wealth by 78%. During the 4 years of the Biden presidency, the top 1% have increased wealth by only 50%. In other words, the rate of wealth accumulation for the top 1% is decreasing over time. That’s a very encouraging trend.
If we keep this up, then over Joe’s second term, the top 1% will only experience a 25% increase in wealth to $56 trillion. That’s the kind of change we need in this country. Things are getting better under the leadership of my friend Joe, which is why he deserves another term as our commander-in-chief.
FB: But things aren’t getting better for Palestinians thanks to Biden’s abject failure on this topic. For many voters, Biden’s position on Gaza is unforgivable. Do you think such voters can be won back?
BO: I’d challenge your assertion that things aren’t getting better for Palestinians. Lets review the facts. During the 2014 Israel-Gaza war that happened during my presidency, the U.S. vetoed every ceasefire vote at the UN.
Under President Biden, the U.S. has vetoed every ceasefire vote - except one, where we abstained. So all the naysayers who say that U.S. policy on Israel won’t evolve have been proven wrong. Yes we can evolve. We can abstain on Israel topics at the UN once every 50 years.
And if you’re Palestinian things are also better this time around because America is building a brand new port in Gaza. We never did that during my presidency. So I’d encourage voters to take a broader view of the plight of Palestinians and vote for Joe this fall.
FB: What good is aid and a once a generation abstention when the U.S. is arming Israel?
BO: Look now that I’m out of office, I can speak a bit more freely. So I can reveal that every U.S. president is contractually obligated to deny Americans universal healthcare, pretend to care about school shootings and supply Israel with limitless weapons. It’s part of the contract we have to sign with Cigna, the NRA and Raytheon before taking office.
I’ll go into more detail in my next book entitled ‘Corporatocracy: How letting corporations run our country is in America’s best interests’.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
January 2021 named as the edition of Playboy magazine that Trump will be sworn in on
Biden demands Netanyahu step aside so that he can send more devastating weapons to his successor
Screwdrivers added to in-flight amenities on all Boeing aircraft
Well done! As time moves ahead, there’s more tragedy & misery all around. Let’s hope humor can drive some of us to take action in the midst of heartbreak.