In this issue
Tax evasion costs U.S. $150 billion per year
Iran bans Alabamians due to embryo ruling
Interview with Sundar Pichai
Tax evasion costs U.S. $150 billion per year
America’s oligarch class is evading $150 billion in taxes each year through a 2-step process:
Hire lobbyists to create loopholes that cater to special interests
Hire lawyers and accountants to exploit these loopholes
But the jig may be up for oligarchs as the IRS is cracking down on wealthy taxpayers, partnerships and large companies.
An extra $150 billion each year in the U.S. Treasury’s coffers could fund a broad array of high priority federal government objectives, including but not limited to:
Transportation
Fossil fuel subsidies
Pot hole subsidies (so that pot holes are more evenly distributed)
Hiring cats to chase rats on New York City Subway
State Department
Recruiting more POC to veto UN ceasefire resolutions
Defense
Weapons to Israel & Ukraine
Weapons to Japan (even though they’re not in a war)
Education
Arming every K-12 teacher and student
New school uniform: kevlar vests for all students
Snipers on top of every school building
Iran bans Alabamians due to embryo ruling
Iran - the theocratic U.S. adversary whose citizens were banned from entering the United States during Donald Trump’s Muslim ban - has announced a travel ban of its own: Alabamians are banned from entering the Islamic Republic.
In a statement the Iranian Foreign Minister said “Alabama’s decision on embryos is too crazy - even for a theocracy like ours. We can’t risk those insane ideas coming to our shores, so have to institute a travel ban.
Anyone currently residing in Alabama or who was born in Alabama will not be allowed to enter the Islamic Republic of Iran. That includes Forrest Gump. But not to worry, we have our own Iranian equivalent of Forrest Gump called Farsi Gump”.
The decision to ban Alabamians is largely meaningless because Alabamians are like turtles: they’re slow, toothless and don’t have passports. In addition, Alabamians are more likely to think Iran is a new treadmill manufactured by Apple than identify the country on a map.
Interview: Sundar Pichai
Funny Business: Why did Google layoff thousands of employees despite making record profits?
Sundar Pichai: It is truly sad that we had to led a few thousand of our fellow Googlers go. Nobody likes to see something like that happen but we had no choice. We have to manage costs to ensure our business is positioned to compete for the future.
FB: You had no choice? But you were the one making that choice!
SP: Yes, I really wish I could have made another choice. It was a gut-wrenching decision. The press can be vicious so I didn’t want to give them a reason to dunk on Google. But part of being a CEO is making tough decisions.
So I put my big boy pants on - they’re navy blue, 100% pure silk, hand made in China by a 9 year old - and made the call by flipping a coin: heads, we do layoffs; tails, we let people go.
FB: You seem focused on how this decision impacted you.
SP: Laying people off is tough. It was the hardest day I’ve had since becoming CEO. I man enough to admit that I went home and cried that night. Luckily the new $100 bill has excellent absorption qualities so that provided some comfort.
FB: Wait - you cry into $100 bills?
SP: Yes of course. Kleenex dropped their spend on Google so we rid the Pichai home of Kleenex products. What other choice did I have but to cry into a wad of $100 bills?
But it’s been a revelation. At Google, we are all about innovation. Ever since I learnt that $100 bills have excellent absorption qualities, we’ve replaced all paper products in our home with $100 bills.
We’re saving so much money because we no longer spend on paper towels, diapers or blank paper for printing purposes. And it’s all thanks to Benjamin Franklin - he’s still inventing long after his death. He’s a true American hero.
This is why in the Pichai household, “feeding Benny F” is a euphemism for going to the bathroom.
FB: But how can Google justify layoffs when its making record profits? Clearly cost cutting isn’t required for profitability purposes.
SP: Google’s success is 50% innovation and 50% cost control. You don’t get to $2.5 trillion market cap without knowing how to manage expenses.
We are very sad that we’ve had to let so many of our fellow Googlers go. But we’ve taken care of departing employees by giving each ex-Googler a box of Kleenex to cry into (from the Kleenex supply that we removed from the Pichai household). This way, we guarantee they will have a soft landing - literally!
FB: But you can’t pay a mortgage or bills with Kleenex!
SP: Yes but who has a mortgage these days? Each of my 6 homes is fully paid off. If you’re talking mortgages you’re talking about a bygone era. Get with the times, pal.
FB: 6 homes?! How do you justify such a lavish lifestyle when Google employees have been laid off?
SP: Lavish lifestyle?! What are you talking about?! I am a very frugal person.
I have a home in the Bay Area because that’s where I live. I have a home in Washington and another in Brussels because Congress and the European Commission keep summoning me. It’s the responsible thing to do: rather than expense hotel stays to the company, have the company boost my pay so that I can buy another home.
I have a home in India because that’s where I’m from. I have a home in Lake Tahoe because that’s a pre-requisite for a tech exec. And I have a doomsday bunker/farmhouse/farm in New Zealand so that I’m prepared for upcoming social collapse.
People will still need Google even if society is falling apart. So my investment in a home in New Zealand is a reflection of my desire to serve society in all stages of its evolution. I’m altruistic and you’re claiming I’m greedy. Shame on you.
I’m only taking care of my basic needs. I don’t know how you can possibly assert that I have a lavish lifestyle.
FB: Don’t you think that decreasing C-suite pay would allow Google to prevent laying people off? You’d still be very well remunerated, but your employees would be able to keep their livelihoods.
SP: I cut my pay and I lose my New Zealand estate. Clearly there’s far more social value in my doomsday bunker which guarantees Google is available to all 7 billion people in the face of social collapse than the jobs of some college graduates and middle managers who can’t stop complaining about the cost of living in the Bay Area.
Let me tell you something about AI. No AI bot ever complained about housing costs in Mountain View. And no AI bot ever asked for a raise. Mic drop!
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Alabama legalizes rape and incest
Taylor Swift - homesick while performing in Sydney - sends her private jet to pick up her order from In-N-Out Burger’s LAX location
Biden sends nukes to Israel because Netanyahu promised not to use them