Tech earnings skyrocket
Zuck and Zucker are f*cked and f*cker
In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Amazon soars
Bezos breaks
Facebook dips
Interview - 3 Questions with Jeff Zucker
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Amazon stock soars
Amazon’s 4th quarter profit smashed expectations fueled by its investment in EV maker Rivian and the strong performance of its advertising unit, which generated $31 billion in sales in 2021.
Most of the ad revenue came from Amazon’s warehouse employees trying to advertise their resumes to Amazon shoppers in a bid to secure new employment.
The e-commerce giant also announced it is increasing the price of a Prime subscription from $119 to $139 per year. The incremental revenues from this price hike will be used to fund bottles for warehouse workers to urinate in.
Bezos breaks infrastructure
Rotterdam is dismantling a bridge so that Jeff Bezos’ new superyacht can sail from the port to the open sea, as the $500m vessel is too big to pass under the historic Koningshaven Bridge.
Not to be outdone, U.S. politicians offered to dismantle infrastructure and tax base in their states to get Bezos’ attention.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott said “instead of promoting divisive critical race theory, public schools could be converted into Amazon warehouses. By working for Amazon, kids can earn money to buy their own guns in time for the next school shooting.
“With lower education spending, Texas can lower taxes and remain the freest state in the Union”
Facebook dips: earnings underwhelm
Facebook stock tanked 23% after the company’s full year earnings underwhelmed and the company forecast weaker than expected revenue growth in the next quarter.
23% is also the probability the U.S. remains a democracy after 2024, with the U.S.' anti-democratic slide fueled in part by misinformation on Facebook.
For the first time in company history, Facebook’s daily active user account declined: from 1.930b to 1.929b - i.e. a fall of a million users; or as Facebook calls this figure “one Myanmar genocide”.
Interview: 3 Questions with Jeff Zucker
Q: Why did you resign over a romantic relationship at work that was consensual?
JZ: You know how CNN pioneered docuseries like the The Kennedys? My resignation is part of a marketing campaign for the soon to be announced CNN+ original series: The Affairs.
Q: What were the highlights of your time at CNN?
JZ: Standing by for Trump to speak by showing footage of an empty podium for hours was by far the most profitable endeavor CNN has ever undertaken.
Q: What will you do next?
JZ: After being ousted from a prominent perch atop American news, I’m contractually obligated to co-write a memoir with Matt Lauer.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
Facebook/Meta renames itself “Growth Stock” to boost its fortunes on Wall Street
The GOP petitions Joe Biden to change the official motto of the U.S. from “E Pluribus Unum” to “Greed Is Good”
NBC defends its decision to allow the Chinese government to advertise Uyghur concentration camps as mountain resorts during the Super Bowl