Wall Street threatened by taxes, waivers
The Street concludes that profits may decline if fewer people survive COVID
In this issue:
3 Big Stories
Biden supports patent waivers for COVID vaccines
Jamie Dimon skeptical about tax hikes
Dogecoin spikes ahead of Musk SNL appearance
Interview - 3 Questions with Bill Gates
3 Things To Look For Next Week
3 Big Stories
Biden backs patent waivers for COVID vaccines
Shares of Pfizer and Moderna fluctuated after the Biden administration said it would support waiving patents on COVID vaccines. Pfizer and Moderna shares dipped as Wall Street realised that patent waivers would dent profits. But stocks recovered after Wall Street concluded that more COVID deaths means there will be fewer people available to work on their yachts and that a reduction in labor supply risks increasing wages. Calculations were made according to this formula:
If Stock Price Gains > Wage Increases From Labor Shortage —> Oppose Waivers
If Stock Price Gains < Wage Increases —> Pretend To Oppose Waivers To Extract A Concession From Government
Jamie Dimon skeptical about tax hikes
Jamie Dimon - the JPMorganChase CEO who thinks he’s the real victim from economic inequality because he’s not as well paid as Elon Musk - wants lawmakers to provide an itemized list of their spending plans.
The CEO said “just throwing money, it doesn’t work”. He went on to add “the only way it works is when its the JPMorgan Board approving my pay. I’ve never seen throwing money at something succeed beyond this circumstance”
When pressed whether he deserves his 2020 $31.5m pay packet at a time when many Americans are struggling, Dimon said “The Board sets my pay, not me”, conveniently neglecting the fact that he is also the Chairman of the Board.
In Dimon’s defense, he practices what he preaches. He routinely provides the JPMorganChase Board with an itemized list of his own spending. Funny Business has gained exclusive access to this list:
Personal shaver: $500,000
Creating a new cryptocurrency to spite Elon Musk: $2,000,000
Paying accountants to avoid tax: $3,000,000
Josh Hawley 2024: $1,000,000
CNBC appearances: $250,000
Arthur Laffer retainer: $750,000
Keeping Larry Kudlow alive: $10,000,000
Dogecoin spikes ahead of Elon Musk SNL appearance
Dogecoin spiked to $0.70 this week ahead of Elon Musk’s SNL hosting gig tomorrow night. Musk is a long-time advocate of Dogecoin, and so many cryptocurrency enthusiasts and speculators are hoping he will mention the coin on SNL and cause the price to spike further.
However, Musk is advising crypto fans to invest with caution.
Musk wasn’t NBC’s first choice billionaire CEO to host SNL. The show first asked Jeff Bezos but he took a shot at NBCUniversal by saying that he “only invests his time and energy in businesses that have a future and doesn’t want to engage media enterprises with fewer Oscar nominations than Amazon Studios”.
Interview: 3 Questions with Bill Gates
Q: Sorry to hear about your divorce. How are you holding up?
BG: Pretty well given the circumstances. Melinda will get some of my shares in Microsoft in our divorce settlement. Which is fitting since she coined the term ‘Microsoft’ after viewing my manhood. We had to call quits on our marriage when the only Microsoft she started to care about was the company I founded.
Q: Does it also hurt that you’ve lost the title of biggest billionaire asshole from Seattle to Jeff Bezos?
BG: Yes it surely does. Now that I’m single and looking for love once again, I’m trying to re-establish my bad boy reputation. Sadly I can no longer rely on Jeffrey Epstein. It’s just a really hard time to be a rich white male in America. Suddenly, everyone is so woke and is demanding accountability, which totally defeats the point of wealth.
Q: Do you think you’ll ever reclaim the title of world’s richest man?
BG: Yes I do. As a newly divorced guy I’m going to have a chip on my shoulder. So I’ll boost my finances by injecting the COVID vaccine - which is really a microchip - into Jeff Bezos. This will allow me to control him and tank Amazon’s stock. Bill 1, Jeff 0. Suck it Bezos - you have no hair, no glasses and no Pentagon contract.
3 Things To Look For Next Week
NYC Mayor announces that the city will vaccinate all rats not named Rudy Giuliani
Texas fines babies $500 for being born unarmed
The Governor of Florida does 23andme and is disappointed to learn that he’s not a direct descendant of Mr. Jim Crow
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