Barbara Broccoli has announced the next James Bond movie will be called:
Although the new James Bond has not yet been cast, Broccoli has said that the villain will be played by Mark Zuckerberg.
Zuckerberg - the oligarch and answer to the question “what would happen if Scrooge McDuck banged a robot?” - was chosen because he is building a $100m compound on Kauai.
The 1,400 acre compound - known as Koolau Ranch - includes a 5,000 square foot underground shelter, complete with its own energy and food supplies.
In a PR disaster for Eon Productions, the plot for “No Oligarchs To Tax” has been leaked.
Spoilers ahead:
The UK government unveils a new budget which introduces a new unsightly view tax on the homeless but offers tax breaks for purchases of secondary penthouses, Rolls Royce cars, Gulfstream jets and Patek Phillipe watches.
MI6 is shutdown because Brexit proved the UK has no intelligence. Also the new UK budget robs MI6 of funding. Therefore, MI6 employees are forced to become tax collectors which means James Bond is now bound to an office.
He misses the thrill of being a globe-trotting spy so applies to work for the CIA. President Trump hires him because he has blond hair and blue eyes.
Meanwhile Mark Zuckerberg successfully petitions the Hawaii government to change its economic system from capitalism to feudalism. Not content with ruling Hawaii, Zuck creates an AI-powered Ayn Rand robot to stage a coup against President Trump.
When the coup attempt fails, Trump dispatches Bond to bring Zuckerberg to justice. James Bond makes his way to Kauai and penetrates Zuckerberg’s lair where he finds that Zuck has taken over Hawaii’s government in exchange for paying off state debt.
Under the governance of Lord Zuckerberg of Menlo Park, Hawaii’s prison system locks up any Hawaiian for not posting to Instagram at least twice per day. The K-12 curriculum is revamped to be entirely about watching Instagram Reels. The pledge of allegiance is supplemented with another American institution: daily active shooter drills. And the state’s housing crisis is solved by giving locals a free Oculus headset so that they can ignore their squalid living conditions.
Determined to right this social wrong, James Bond goes rogue by ignoring the mission to hold Zuck accountable for his robot coup attempt. He scales the 12 foot walls of Zuck’s compound, shoots a dozen robot guards and eventually comes face to face with Zuck himself.
Bond confronts the Facebook CEO by saying “It’s over Zuck - its time for you to pay a wealth tax”. Zuck laughs maniacally. “Pay a wealth tax to whom exactly? I am the government here!”
“You may be the government in Hawaii but you’re not the government of the United States” Bond retorts.
Zuck sniggers. “Wow - it’s true what they say about British accents not being an indicator of intelligence” he says.
“I may not be the government of the United States, but I formed a consortium with Elon, Bill Ackman, Rupert Murdoch and most Middle Eastern rulers to become a part owner of the U.S. government. So any wealth tax is like paying myself!”
“Isolating yourself from the social collapse you’ve helped to cause is not sustainable Zuck” Bond insists. “Forget the philanthropy charade, pay your taxes, and help promote a sustainable society that can actually afford to buy your dumb Oculus goggles rather than being forced to wear them to escape their dystopian lives.”
“Listen here pal” says Zuck condescendingly. “I am the King of Hawaii and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. You have no leverage so all your threats ring hollow”
“History shows that unequal societies collapse via revolution or police state. Is that what you want for your fellow Americans? Eventually your staff will turn on you.” warns Bond.
“What makes you think I care about my fellow Americans? Or ever did?” admits Zuck rather nonchalantly. “Besides, I am safe inside my compound. We have food, electricity and blast resistant doors. The pitchfork brigade will never get to me or my family”
“How can you be so sure? After all, every technology has its weaknesses. You above all must know this” says Bond.
“You make a good point”, admits Zuck “but my confidence comes from my new business venture with the Sacklers and the Waltons”
“What about them?” asks Bond.
“Well, what do you get when you combine the Sacklers ingenuity with medication, America’s love for sequels and Walmart’s nationwide distribution network?”
“A national fentanyl crisis!” says Bond in horror.
“There’s a reason why I’m so confident that nobody will penetrate my compound. I’m entirely safe from any pathetic pleb attempt to rise up” declares Zuck. “Who has the energy to rise up when you can barely stand up?!”
At this point Bond concludes that Zuck is beyond reasoning with and decides to arrest him. Bond makes a beeline for Zuck’s throne but before he gets there, Zuck hits a button. His throne drops through a trapdoor and Zuck disappears.
Bond stands alone in the throne room where alarms are blaring, sirens are flashing and the walls start closing in rapidly. Bond makes it out of the room in the nick of time and finds himself in Zuck’s luscious garden.
Suddenly, robotic guns appear from behind the hedges. They aim and fire at Bond as he runs towards the Pacific Ocean. But rather than fire bullets, the guns are firing cake.
Bond is hit by cake multiple times. His shirt is filled with cream, jam and blue icing as Zuck’s voice booms over the outdoor speakers, saying “let them eat cake bitch!”
Bond finally makes it to the beach that Zuck’s compound backs onto and pauses to catch his breath. A helicopter flying ahead is preparing to land on the beach. The U.S. Marines that Bond called for as backup have finally arrived.
Bond walks towards the Marines and extends his hand. To his shock, the Marines handcuff him and place him under arrest. Bond protests and demands to know what is going on.
The Marines reveal that a viral Instagram post, corroborated by photo evidence posted on Threads, Facebook and WhatsApp allege that James Bond was an associate of Jeffrey Epstein.
“But this is a smear campaign clearly orchestrated by Zuck!” pleads Bond “He’s using AI to create those pictures! I know I have a sleazy reputation but an associate of Epstein I was not! Do you really think I need Epstein’s help to score?”
“We know” reply the Marines. “But he paid for our fuel, uniforms and choopper so we have no choice but to take the fake news seriously”
“But you do have a choice!” insists Bond
“Oh yeah? What’s our other choice?” inquire the Marines.
“We call our savior Jeff Bezos. He’s the only person in the world with the distribution muscle to take on the Waltons. And he’s so handsome. He’s like the secret love child of Pitbull the Rapper and Andrew Carnegie. Thank the Lord for such noble philanthopists" admits Bond.
The Marines agree and fly Bond straight to Miami to meet Bezos.
<spoiler ends>
Zuckerberg was personally cast in the villain role by Jeff Bezos immediately after Amazon bought MGM (the studio behind the James Bond franchise) in response to Instagram trying to become an e-commerce platform.
Barack’s Favorites
Former President Barack Obama is known for sharing his favorite movies, books and music at this time of year. What’s new for 2023 is that he also shared his favorite drone strikes: